Some Water For Detroit's Football Desert?

I'm late to the party on reading Michael Lombardi's wonderfully insightful writing and reporting at National Football Post - probably because it took me a while to work my sports appetite back up after baseball season (mercifully) ended - but his stuff is a must-read for me these days.

And maybe I just need any little kernel of hope to make me feel good about the Detroit Lions now (thanks to the Arizona Cardinals) being one of five teams (three of which are newer, expansion franchises) never to make it to the Super Bowl, but I was encouraged to read this from Lombardi about the Lions' new head coach, Jim Schwartz:

I know the Lions hired a great young coach in Jim Schwartz, who is someone I believe will do a wonderful job. We hired him in Cleveland in 1992 to work with me in the personnel department. He is extremely smart (third in his class at Georgetown in economics) and hard working. He knows how to build a program, and he understands the Bill Belichick approach as well as anyone. Given enough time, he will restore the roar to the Lions.

So hopefully, The Schwartz is strong with this team. And for a guy who said the Lions were dead to him, I'm suddenly quite a bit more interested than I was at this time a year ago.

May the Schwartz Be With Us!

This is just too easy, but in honor of the Detroit Lions hiring Jim Schwartz as their new coach (a moment of silence for the poor guy), I have to post the first thing that came to mind when I heard the news.



I think the Lions got the right guy. Someone with Schwartz's pedigree - working under Jeff Fisher in Tennessee, and previous background with Bill Belichick in Cleveland - and unconventional, stats-oriented approach to the game is intriguing. (I can't wait to see how the media and fans react when he says something like "Well, fumbles are a random occurrence; good teams fumble just as often as bad teams" after the Lions have five turnovers in a game.)

It's also encouraging that other teams were interested in hiring him. I'm just not sure about the executives that made the hire. Like Michael Rosenberg in this morning's Freep, I hope the Lions let Schwartz coach his way and bring in his players. (Just remind them who has the bigger Schwartz, Coach.)

Here's a profile of Schwartz that the New York Times wrote in November.

... So Are the Days of Our Lions

♦ Jim Carty of the Ann Arbor News thinks the Lions should call up the Eagles and ask about Donovan McNabb. Such a move, in his opinion, could perk up the fans' interest while the team continues its rebuilding.

I often enjoy Carty's columns, but I think he's out of his gourd with this one. Would he be an upgrade over Jon Kitna? Sure. But McNabb has run nothing but West Coast Offense during his NFL career, and those are three words many Lions fans hope are never uttered in Detroit again. Unless it's with sentences such as, "Thank Sweet Jeebus the Lions don't run the West Coast Offense anymore" or "Wow, Steve Mariucci's West Coast Offense sucked worse than fried spam."

And if the Eagles would ask for Detroit's #2 pick in return for McNabb, Matt Millen should respond with something witty, like "Who do you think I am? Matt Millen? Call me back when you're serious, chump!"

♦ Another phone call Millen might have made was to his offensive coordinator, Mike Martz: "Dude, shut up! You are totally gonna blow this for us!"

This, of course, would be after Martz blurted out to the press that the Lions were looking for everything except a quarterback in the upcoming NFL Draft. Nothing like tipping off your intentions to any team that might be interested in trading up to the #2 selection to pick a quarterback, eh? Nice work.

♦ Defensive end Kalimba Edwards is among the players interviewed in this ESPN.com investigation of "naturopath" Hank Sloan, who is currently under investigation by the state of Georgia for practicing medicine without a license. Sloan's approach, which "emphasizes holistic approaches to enhance the body's innate ability to recover," is legally recognized in 14 states. Unfortunately for him, Georgia isn't one of them.

During the off-season, Edwards flew to Atlanta every other week to receive "prolotherapy injections, liquid vitamins, IVs, anti-inflammatory shots and other non-steroidal injections" from Sloan to treat his groin injury.

Other athletes mentioned in the article are Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens, Falcons linebacker Ed Hartwell, and Bills linebacker Takeo Spikes.

♦ Pride of Detroit caught Roy Williams telling FOX Sports Detroit that he wants the Lions to draft Oklahoma running back Adrian Peterson. (Could that be because Peterson averaged 112 yards rushing against his Texas Longhorns?) Like most everyone else, however, Roy thinks Detroit should trade down to do so.

The Dream of the Big Tuna

Did you watch The Office last week? If you're not familiar with it, there was a scene in which Jim asks Ryan if he wants to play a prank on Andy, who's been bugging the hell out of everyone. Ryan declines by saying, "Not right now. But ask me again ten years ago."

That's how I've felt when hearing or seeing "Bill Parcells" and "Detroit Lions" used in the same sentence over the past couple of days.

That ship sailed long ago, man. Depending on whether or not you choose to believe reports from a few years ago, the Lions had a chance with Parcells, but opted to keep on riding the Matt Millen gruel train. (Go ahead - it's okay to cry. I'm getting misty, too.)

Of course, this could've just been written off as a silly sports talk radio or message board fanboy fantasy. At least until Drew Sharp decided to use that scenario as the subject of his column in today's Detroit Free Press.

And with that, let us all get down on our knees and bow before the prophet that is Big Al. Or just tip your caps if you don't want to get your pants dirty. I understand. Laundry sucks.

But c'mon, he totally nailed this one. You could argue that it wasn't too much of a stretch to predict that one of Detroit's sports columnists would phone it in with this topic today. But I choose to praise Big Al for having his finger so firmly on the pulse of the local sports media. And if you don't care to join me, that's okay - Big Al praised himself already. (We kid because we love, Al.)

It seems pretty clear that Parcells' coaching days are over, so let's focus more on whether or not he'd be a good general manager. I think he would be. Parcells knows how to put together a winning football team. He left the Patriots because he wasn't entirely allowed to make those decisions, but proved he could do it with the Jets and Cowboys.

Was it ultimately a disappointment that the Cowboys didn't make it to the Super Bowl under his guidance? Probably. But they sure improved while he was there.

However, the Detroit Lions are just too large a rebuilding project at this point for Parcells to take on at this point. Once the Fords finally face reality and fire Millen after one more "... or else!" season, there will be one hell of a mess to clean up. We're probably looking at another three-to-five year process. I can't imagine Parcells would have the patience for that. Not at his age.

And if that sounds ageist, I certainly don't mean it to. It's not necessarily the number. It's the number of football miles that Parcells has put himself through in those 65 years. Coaching pro football is a punishing job (largely by choice). For their general manager position, the Lions need someone young enough to bring some energy to the challenge. They need fresh blood to tap.

Besides, do we really want to see Parcells have the soul sucked out of his remaining years by dealing with this mess? All the blonde hair dye in the world wouldn't hide that. Look how much Millen has aged during his six years in Detroit. You can't possibly want that on your hands. For the sake of his health, I hope he's not even tempted.

Friday Follow-Up #1: Forget Miami Martz?

Following Mike Martz's Wednesday night interview with the Miami Dolphins, the task now falls to Wayne Huizenga and his front office to whittle their list of 12 candidates down to a more manageable number.

(With that many candidates, this could've been a reality show. Where was ESPN on this one?)

Will Martz make the cut? Unfortunately, the magic 8-ball provides no answer.

The Detroit Free Press' Nick Cotsonika speculates that Miami may have just been picking Martz's brain, to see what he thinks of their team and how it can be improved offensively.

And the Miami Herald's Armando Salguero singled out two candidates who don't seem to fit what the Dolphins are looking for.

Tim Lewis - who was the New York Giants' defensive coordinator until today - is probably out because he favors a 4-3 scheme, which doesn't really cater to the skills of middle linebacker Zach Thomas and defensive end Jason Taylor, who earned the NFL Defensive Player of the Year award playing in the 3-4.

And then there's Martz. What are the strikes against him? 1) He doesn't care much for Daunte Culpepper, and told people the Dolphins were better off keeping Gus Frerotte. 2) He's been known to abandon the running game quickly, which might not suit a roster with Ronnie Brown and a soon-to-return Ricky Williams.

In the meantime, he's apparently waiting for the Oakland Raiders to show up on his Caller ID.

Happy Hour 01/10: Where might Mike Martz go?

Oh, sure he's going to stay in Detroit.

Actually, maybe Mike Martz really will be the Lions' offensive coordinator next season. It seems like a pretty sweet gig for him. He was greeted with celestial rays of light and rose-petal covered streets when he came to town. And Sgt. Marinelli lets him do whatever the hell he wants with the offense. He can sign and cut three wide receivers a week or get offensive line coaches fired.

Plus, if you watched a Lions game with the sound turned down this past year, you probably would've thought Martz was the head coach anyway, judging from how many times the camera shows him on the sideline.

He gets all of the credit, and none of the blame. Marinelli has to slog through those what-went-wrong-this-week press conferences. And if the offense doesn't perform, well, it's Matt Millen's fault for assembling such a piss-poor roster, right? Meanwhile, when he's not telling Mike Williams to lose weight, moving back-up QBs over to receiver, or comparing Jon Kitna to Kurt Warner, Martz can just sit in his office and draw plays with crayons on the walls.

But hey, nothing beats being the guy in charge. So we've had a few rumors swirling around Martz throughout the season. And that just feeds into Lions fans' inferiority complexes. No one believes that he'd really want to keep working for the Lions, right? Even if it means being the head coach for the Cardinals or Raiders.

Then we have the Dolphins. As soon as Nick Saban skulked out of Miami like a mouse ducking behind the fridge when you turn the lights on, Martz's name topped the list of potential replacements. And why not? He's essentially the anti-Saban, and how awesome would that offense look under the Florida sun?

Wayne Huizenga apparently thinks so, too, and while the rest of us are watching Pistons-Hornets, or Deal Or No Deal, he'll be meeting somewhere in Detroit with Martz about his currently vacant head coaching position. Since Huizenga's interviewed virtually every other candidate available, however (nine coaches, including the Rooney Rule-mandated minority prospect), I suppose it's not a certainty that Martz will be tanning with Don Shula this spring.

But c'mon, if you were Mike Martz and Huizenga came to interview you, jingling that Blockbuster change in his pocket, wouldn't you start calling realtors in South Beach? (And we already know he likes Joey Harrington - that is, if the Dolphins don't cut him.)

2-12: Dead team walking

Remember last week, when the Detroit Lions committed five turnovers against the Minnesota Vikings? The frequent mantra spoken in the locker room was, "You can't have that many turnovers and expect to win a game."

Apparently, that logic doesn't apply to the Green Bay Packers. Not when they're playing the Lions, anyway. (Or maybe it's that the magic number for a loss is five. The Pack only coughed up the ball four times.)

For the love of Vince Lombardi, even Brett Favre thought his team was "lucky to win the game," after he threw three interceptions on Sunday.

One of those picks, by 'Dre Bly, gave the Lions the ball at the Packers' 12-yard line. But even after Green Bay virtually handed them a touchdown wrapped up in a Christmas bow, Detroit still couldn't get into the end zone.

A fade pattern to Roy Williams in the corner? A short pass over the middle to Dan Campbell or Mike Furrey? No - how about three straight running plays, capped off by the brilliant call of a quarterback sneak on 3rd-and-6?

Six yards to go, and the play is a QB sneak up the middle? Let me emphasize that point again. There wasn't one yard to go. There were six. How many teams make that call? No wonder Mike Martz doesn't let his quarterbacks call audibles.

(Of course, if someone else wanted to take charge of calling time-outs - I know, Sgt. Marinelli; it's on you, right? - that'd be just fine. Martz was terrible with clock management when he was the head coach in St. Louis. And he clearly hasn't broken those tendencies calling plays for the Sarge.)

Maybe the best part about that play was Jon Kitna's quote after the game: "I can't really tell you what I saw because if I did, I'd be letting our secret out."

Apparently, however, the Packers' Ryan Pickett knew exactly what Kitna was looking at: a wide gap between the defensive tackles. The Lions still managed to grind out three yards (so it might have been a good call, had the yardage been much shorter), but didn't get anywhere near a first down.

Ultimately, it was just another embarrassing play in what's been one shameful display of a professional football season.

And though the Lions have been dead to this town for weeks now, the fans will try to burn one last Yule log for the sake of Detroit next week with another protest/walkout against Matt Millen in their last home game against Chicago.

Last year's "Millen Man March" got some attention, but there was still some outrage and passion to fuel that effort. This year, I don't see it. Yes, the anger is there. Lions fans are seething. But that bile's being diluted with a tall glass of hopelessness, too, so the urge to spit it out just isn't very strong right now.

And that's what the Lions and the Ford family should really be worried about. A year ago, at least they could look at the fan outrage and say, "Hey, they still care." So Millen hired a new head coach, and hoped his teaching and discipline could mold the assembled roster into a respectable football team.

Maybe this is a classic case of breaking some eggs to make an omelette, or taking one step back to take two steps forward, but when you look at Rod Marinelli's face, it seems to convey that he didn't anticipate just how big a project this renovation would be. Meanwhile, Millen is nowhere to be seen; he's just hiding out until it's all over.

Approximately one year later, apathy appears to be setting in here. So what changes will be made this time? What other solution is there?

It couldn't just be a regular foot injury, eh?

During his Monday morning appearance on WRIF's "Drew & Mike" show, Booth Newspapers' Detroit Lions beat writer Tom Kowalski reported that the foot injury Kevin Jones' suffered in yesterday's 30-20 loss to the Vikings could potentially cause him to miss even more than the remaining three games of this season. (Here's the news at MLive.com)

Jones may have sustained a "Lisfranc" fracture (which I found after several futile "Liz Frank" Google searches), which is often mis-diagnosed as a sprain, but is actually a break or dislocation among the small bones in the arch at the top of the foot between the ankles and the toes. The injury could also involve a tear in the ligament that holds the bones together in that part of the foot.

(Did that make sense? I'm no Will Carroll or Samela.)

If surgery isn't necessary, the foot is placed in a walking cast and rehabilitation can begin after four to six weeks. (This is what happened with Eagles running back Brian Westbrook last season.) But if surgery is called for, several complications can occur - the most common of which is post-traumatic arthritis in the joint - and recovery can take more than a year.

But as with any injury, recovery time depends on the individual athlete.

Lions linebacker Teddy Lehman suffered the same type of injury last season and has taken more than a year to get back on the field. And even after recovery and rehabilitation, it's not certain whether he'll ever be the same player he was in his rookie year.

Michael Strahan sprained the ligament in that part of the foot, and the New York Giants are still hoping he can recover in time for the playoffs.

So is this a mercy injury for K.J.? Is it good that he likely won't have to participate in the last three games of this torturous 2006 Lions season? Or is having to watch the games from the front-row view on the sideline more of a punishment? Oh, that foot pain might seem mild in comparison...

Where in Arizona might Mike Martz go?

A month ago, the rumor was that Detroit Lions offensive coordinator Mike Martz would be courted by the Arizona Cardinals to replace Dennis Green.

Right state, wrong job? Now, the Martz rumor roulette wheel is pointing toward Tempe and Arizona State University, which recently kicked Dirk Koetter to the desert.

According to last Saturday's Arizona Republic (via the AOL Fanhouse), the school is looking for a coach that doesn't need to be bought out of a current contract, can put together a coaching staff of experienced assistants, is able to recruit Southern California, and having the kind of name value that might sell tickets wouldn't hurt either.

Former Cardinals head coach Dave McGinnis, Titans offensive coordinator Norm Chow, and our ol' buddy Stylin' Steve Mariucci were also mentioned in the article as fitting such criteria. (Seriously, does Mooch sit in his dressing room at NFL Network and laugh at these rumors over a glass of chardonnay while comparing jewelry with Neon Deion?)

But the man ASU Vice President of Athletics Lisa Love has her bullseye set on is the Lions' current offensive sooper-genius whose system would totally be scoring more points if Jon Kitna wouldn't, like, throw so many interceptions and most of the players Matt Millen gave him didn't, you know... suck.

Martz coached at Arizona State for nine years (as quarterbacks coach and offensive coordinator), and Love digs that about him, man! Oh, his 53-32 record as a NFL head coach (complete with Super Bowl appearance) is impressive, too.

Surely, she knows that Martz isn't the Lions head coach, even though FOX seems to think he is, judging from the number of times their cameras show you as opposed to the actual man in charge, Sgt. Rod Marinelli. But hey, the Lions' games get the C and D-level broadcast crews, so maybe they can only afford to train one camera on the sideline. And really, who's more interesting?

Don't leave Detroit, Mike Martz. You're our only hope.

Oh, hell - who could blame him?

It's too easy, but still so fun...

For the past few weeks - hell, maybe even since the beginning of this sadly comic 2006 Detroit Lions season - I've been thinking I finally need to admit I was a complete idiot for ever daring to defend Matt Millen.

(Thankfully, there appears to be no record of that on this blog, and any posts on message boards have either disappeared into the internet ether or have been gratefully lost to time and clutter. Oh, wait - this post comes close. Damn.)

Like a couple of others in the local blogosphere, it's long past time for me to join the pitchfork-and-torch brigade calling for his evisceration firing.

But rather than masochistically list each of Millen's faults as President and CEO of the Detroit Lions, and every one of his mistakes in his capacity as the team's general manager, I thought it might be more fun to see what other GMs and executives around the NFL have to say about his piss-poor performance.

If you haven't seen this already (I found it through the Sports Inferno forums), Ron Borges of the Boston Globe wrote a feature coinciding with Sunday's Lions-Patriots game, in which he quotes several people on Millen's utter incompetence. And there are some gems in this article, man. Get a load of these blurbs:

▪▪ "He's got the worst record in history from a general manager and he'll have that record forever."

▪▪ "I don't want to be too hard on him, but the record speaks for itself. It's pathetic. Inept, really."

▪▪ "They don't seem to have any idea what they're doing in personnel... If you draft a wide receiver with your first pick back-to-back-to-back, you have no idea how to build a team."

▪▪ "You've got to get guys on both sides of the ball. You have to balance your thinking. Taking a wide receiver with a top-10 pick three years in a row isn't balanced thinking. It isn't thinking at all."

And I didn't clip all the good quotes. The article has more. I don't know about you, but stuff like this keeps me warm in chilly weather like we're having in Michigan today. Snuggle up with some snark, people.

The revenge of Joey

It might have been the most predictable outcome on the Detroit Lions' 2006 schedule. When you ran down the games and saw Miami as the Thanksgiving Day opponent, you knew there was a possibility that Joey Harrington could come back and stick it to his former team (if he, not Daunte Culpepper, was the Dolphins' starter by then).

Some of you may have thought the Lions would have a chance to crush Joey, showing him that he was never right for this town. If you fall into this category, you really haven't been paying attention, and should brush your teeth because they're stained with Honolulu Blue Kool-Aid.

But then the Lions really began to ask for a beating, making things worse by trying to rattle their former quarterback during pre-game introductions. The Dolphins requested that their defense be introduced - surely to prevent the Ford Field crowd from booing Harrington - and the Lions almost accommodated them.

But they just couldn't resist poking an elbow at Joey, announcing his name to the fans. And they didn't just do that, either. The introduction was accompanied by Billy Joel's "Piano Man." Get it? Joey likes to play the piano. (And as I once wrote in a column for Motor City Sports Magazine, Detroit fans don't really dig that. Ask Grant Hill about that, too.) Oh, the Lions were giving the crowd an appetizer of hijinks to tide them over until they went home to their Thanksgiving feasts.

Of course, if Harrington actually had been rattled and taken out of his game by these tactics, maybe it would've been seen as a devious move by the Lions. But since Joey essentially dropped a grand piano on his former team with three touchdown passes, the pre-game frivolity ended up looking desperate and unprofessional.

But it's sad and it's sweet, and I knew it complete...

After being exposed like a bully who had his shoelaces tied together by the smart kid before a fight, the Lions said the attempt to embarrass Harrington was "an unfortunate error," one that was apparently unauthorized by upper management. And as a result, the team says it will be changing the way game-day operations are run, likely with management exercising a bit more control over the production of things such as pre-game introductions. Or that was just the right thing to say while wiping egg off of their collective faces. Who knows?

So if management is saying "wasn't me," who does this fall on? I interviewed Lions public address announcer Terry Braverman for a magazine piece almost two months ago, and think it's safe to assume this wouldn't have been his idea. He takes his job pretty damn seriously, and cares a great deal about his professionalism. (And anyone familiar with his work in the same capacity for Michigan State University would say the same thing.) The script for introductions, promotions, and announcements is given to him beforehand, and he goes over it with the production staff. Now that's not to say he's Ron Burgundy, and just reads whatever is put in front of him.

I'd hesitate to call out Bryan Bender, the Lions' director of broadcasting and promotion, for this, too - though this might end up at his feet. I set up my interview with Braverman through Bender, and in the interests of full disclosure, he helped me out quite a bit. But he's another guy who's concerned about professionalism, and wanted to make sure I wasn't just writing some fruity-tooty, "He talks into a microphone - whee!" kind of article.

It's certainly possible that somebody just decided to slip that stuff in a little while before game-time. Or maybe all this stuff just didn't seem that bad when going over it. Maybe it was seen as fun and good-natured. Oh, if only the Lions had won the game...

(Meanwhile, Joey wore the proverbial $#!+-eating grin in post-game interviews, calling the Lions' introduction "clever.")

Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness... But it's better than drinkin' alone...

So can we get back to the really important stuff? Like seriously ratcheting up the "Fire Millen" talk again? I'll save that for another post, but it's long past time the Lions pulled the plug on this total traveshamockery, isn't it? Light the torches and keep them blazing until the merciful end of this season.

They're keepin' the "Lights" on for you

Congratulations to my buddy Clint, and everyone else associated with Friday Night Lights, as they got some great news from NBC yesterday. As first reported by TV Guide's Michael Ausiello, the show was picked up for a full season by the network, meaning 22 episodes will be broadcast.

I was able to briefly chat with Clint yesterday (just an hour after they got the news themselves - that Ausiello guy is fast!), and he said a celebratory lunch was being enjoyed by all. I'm sure those were some damn tasty sandwiches.

I know it might seem like I'm saying this just because my friend works on the show (and thanks to those who pitched in some feedback), but Friday Night Lights is some damn fine television, and I've become insanely fond of the show.

The Red Wings are in Vancouver, so game time is at 10 p.m. EST. And the Pistons are off tonight. No sports stuff is standing in your way (or good TV, since FOX moved House to 9 p.m.). If you haven't given it a chance yet, I don't think you'd be sorry for giving up an hour of your time. Tuesdays at 8 p.m., people!

Welcome to Detroit, Sarge

With the season 10 weeks old, I'm sure other people have already said that Sgt. Rod Marinelli long ago became aware of what he was really getting into here. But in my eyes, the Sarge officially became a Detroit Lions head coach yesterday, and must now feel completely trapped in the Honolulu Blue-colored toilet swirl known as the Ford Field Follies.

On how many different head coaches have we seen "the look"? You know that look. Hands on the hips, lips pursed in total frustration, cap pushed up high on the forehead to reveal the furrowed, sweaty brow upon which the weight of 50 years of ineptitude now rests.

The Sarge had to feel helpless yesterday, as he looked at his players out on the field and wondered what the hell they were doing. Where was the team that beat Atlanta 30-14 last week? (By the way, that win doesn't look so impressive any more with the Falcons crapping out against Cleveland, does it?)

How the #@$% do you lose to that 49ers team, in a game that everyone checked off as a win when they looked at the Lions' schedule before the season?

Yeah, yeah, yeah - "any given Sunday," blah blah blah. Screw that. Answer me this: have you ever been so totally assured that your team was going to lose a game in which they were only down by six points? One long pass to Roy Williams, along with an extra point, and the Lions would have the lead! But that was never going to happen yesterday, and you could just feel it.

Even when they got close to a score at the end of the game, you just knew something would go wrong. No, it wasn't a Kevin Jones fumble. That was (correctly) ruled "down by contact." But eventually, Jon Kitna confirmed those fears by throwing an interception. But even if the Lions had gotten the ball to the one-inch line, they just weren't going to score.

And it's not because the 49ers are once again some great team. C'mon, they're terrible. Any other team in the NFL would've been up by at least two touchdowns in that game. The fact that the Lions even had a chance shows how bad they still are (with the possible exception of Frank Gore, who was a concussion away from rushing for 300 yards).


But you know what really has me mad about yesterday's loss? The fact that I'm mad about it. Because I told myself that I was done investing this kind of emotion in the Lions. Just accept that they're going to be terrible, and get on with the rest of your Sunday. Go watch another team (if your non-satellite TV package will let you). Go see a movie. Go enjoy the outdoors. Look for something on this blessed planet to make you appreciate your life as a human being. Go find a woman to kiss. No, instead I found my own ass to kiss and stayed home to watch my Detroit Lions.

Oh, they'll definitely win this game. San Francisco's terrible. I'm going to order a pizza and enjoy a Lions victory.

I am a #@$%ing idiot.

And yes, I still went to the trouble of typing up some Game Balls and Extra Laps. At least I didn't have to type very much under the "Game Balls" heading. Check 'em out after the jump, while I go jump off my roof.

Week 10 Game Balls & Extra Laps

Game Balls

I know I've done this before, but... you're kidding, right? 49ers 19, Lions 13. No Game Balls!

Okay, I'll give one out. But to the 49ers. I know you're not supposed to give them to the opponent, but...

♦ Shawntae Spencer – Sweet Fanny Chanel, that was a hell of a hit he laid on Jon Kitna! Kitna thought his name was Joey Harrington after that. I believe ESPN's Tom Jackson would've used the words "JACKED! UP!" Look up "cornerback blitz" in the dictionary, and there should be a new entry. I guarantee they shot out of their seats and cheered in the 49ers' film room today. High-fives all around.

Extra Laps

♦ Kevin Jones – I was beginning to think K.J. earned a permanent pass from this list after three impressive performances in which he ran with power and speed. It looked like he'd finally found his identity as a running back. Well, you can pretty much slap a question mark on his jersey again. In fairness, Jones only ran the ball 13 times (though with nine catches, he received more than 20 touches). But 44 yards against a mediocre rushing defense was a huge disappointment.

♦ Roy Williams – Too tough to make Roy run extra laps when the 49ers covered him tight all day long? He still managed five catches, right? But the footage of him jawing during pre-game warm-ups - counting off the way the Lions would score, and how they'd get 35 points - was just embarrassing and made Roy look like an ass. I should accept that Roy just likes to talk a bit. But as fan, I really wish he'd shut the #@$% up - especially when nothing is guaranteed with the Lions.

♦ Stanley Wilson – Sometimes, you just have to make a play. You don't have to force it, like 'Dre Bly often does. But when it's literally thrown right to you, the least you could do is take advantage of the opportunity. That could've been the game right there, Stan. Maybe Wilson just dropped Alex Smith's pass because he was so surprised by it. I've done that in pick-up games when I couldn't believe I was that open for a lay-up. But hey, I'm not a professional athlete either.

♦ Rod Marinelli – Through nine games, the coaching seemed to be a strength of the team. What the Lions seemed to lack was the talent to execute the schemes. But not yesterday. Call it whatever you want: sluggish, flat, lackadaisical, apathetic, etc. The Lions looked unprepared and unmotivated on both sides of the ball. Sure, some of that falls on the players. But Marinelli likes to point the fingers at himself when things go wrong. And this time, we should follow his advice.

It's the Mike Martz show!

With our very special guest, Rod Marinelli! YAY! [cue music]

Is it better to have hired, giving your team a great offense for only one season, than to not have hired at all and still struggle to score points?

That could be the question facing the Detroit Lions after this season (and maybe through the rest of their remaining schedule) with rumor smoke signals floating near offensive coordinator Mike Martz. On NFL Network (which I now have, thank you very much - my skin is glowing as I've joined the 21st century), Adam Schefter reported that Arizona will very likely pursue Martz to replace Dennis Green as its new head coach.

And with the Cardinals' stockpile of offensive talent, they'd seem to be an excellent fit for Martz. Unless he either isn't interested in taking another head-coaching job right now or just doesn't want to work for Bill Bidwell.

But MLive.com's Tom Kowalski thinks the Lions shouldn't even take that chance. Pay the man now, says the Killer. Hold onto the Wizard of Woodward by any means necessary. (Okay, Ford Field is technically on Brush St. But it's near Woodward. And I couldn't think of any "wizard" or "genius" synonyms that began with the letter "b.") This team's development is at too fragile a stage to risk losing the man who's finally been able to make use of the offensive players Matt Millen has acquired. Replacing him with a protege such as Wilbur Montgomery (who'd likely follow Martz out of town, anyway) wouldn't be a viable option.

But how far do you go to keep the man? Kowalski advocates paying Martz a higher salary than the head coach, if that's what it takes. And even if Marinelli says that would be okay with him (what else is he supposed to say?), there can't possibly be another NFL team that has such a dynamic within its coaching staff. The closest I can think of, off the top of my head, is Washington, where Gregg Williams and Al Saunders make head coach money. But I don't think either of them are paid more than Joe Gibbs.

Big Al already said it: No way that would work. And it's pretty much ludicrous to even suggest that it could. But he also raises another interesting question: Who's had more of an impact on the Lions' fortunes this season? Even with only two victories, Detroit has been competitive in almost of its games, and that's due to Martz's offense.

But now we're getting into territory where answers are difficult to grasp. Not to underestimate the job Martz has done, but is it easier to turn around an offense? Sure, it all has to work in sync, but if you have the right trigger man - and Jon Kitna sure looks like that guy - can things click pretty fast? (You could also argue that Martz's offense just makes quarterbacks look good. Both Jamie Martin and Ryan Fitzpatrick put up good numbers under center in St. Louis last season.)

Compare that to a defense, where you're not just instituting a system, but a mindset. One of the problems that Marinelli and the defensive coaches have harped on is the players' reluctance to trust the scheme. It's been difficult to fight tendencies and break old habits, but if everyone does what he's supposed to do and maintains an assignment, the system works. You saw that against Atlanta. But it's also a question of making the defense tougher - putting them in attack mode, rather than reacting to the opposing offense. I know virtually nothing about coaching football, but that has to be a more difficult task.

Project that out further to overseeing an entire football team and coaching staff. Big Al also asked why Martz wasn't just hired as the head coach, if the Lions think so highly of him. But maybe he's a guy who's simply better at focusing on one side of the ball and teaching his players how to score touchdowns (or in Roy Williams' case, how to beat double-team coverage). Ultimately, maybe he's not suited for looking at the entire picture, as a head coach has to.

Of course, we don't know if Sgt. Marinelli is that kind of guy either. But we've already seen Martz essentially burn out in St. Louis, while building a one-dimensional team. I'd hate to see Martz leave after just one season; he was their biggest off-season move and has done exactly what everyone hoped he would. But taking another job was an understood risk the minute he was hired.

It's still too soon to say for certain, but I'll take my chances with Marinelli. Look around the NFL at the teams that are winning right now, and look at their head coaches. Doesn't Marinelli look more like one of those guys than Martz does?

Sir, keep your hands where I can see them!

Okay, there have to be more constructive, less disruptive methods for Detroit Lions coaches to blow off steam after the workday ends. They might be getting a little too high-strung over in Allen Park, if Joe Cullen's recent shenanigans (such a frivolous word probably shouldn't apply) are any indication.

If you haven't heard or read about this already (I was informed earlier this evening by our Rocky Mountain Bureau Chief, Kevin Antcliff) here's the lead from the AP:

"DEARBORN, Mich. (AP) -- A Detroit Lions assistant coach was arrested twice in the past two weeks -- once while police say he was driving nude and a week later on suspicion of drunken driving.

Police in the Detroit suburb of Dearborn said Joe Cullen, who coaches the team's defensive line, was pulled over Aug. 24 and ticketed on suspicion of indecent and obscene conduct."

Go ahead and read that last part of the introductory sentence - the one after the dashes - again. I'll wait.

Okay, you back with me?

Here's a little more clarification from the Detroit Free Press:

"... a Dearborn police ticket describes the coach as “driving on public street without any clothes on. (NUDE).”

Just in case you didn't quite catch that, the coach was driving around Dearborn NAKED. Au naturel. Starkers. In his birthday suit. What was between his buttocks and the upholstery? Nothing!

This happened the night before the Lions were set to fly out to Oakland on the same day as their pre-season game with the Raiders. See, we're not the only ones who thought that was a bad idea, apparently.

If you go to the Lions' official site, a picture isn't listed with Cullen's bio. And maybe now we know why. How was he dressed for the photo shoot? Perhaps... not at all?

At least "Frank the Tank" didn't get behind the wheel. And really, only his wife was embarrassed when he went streaking. "Joe the Show" is another story altogether. Yep. This is taking a whole organization into the news. That's a whole different bag of... um, you know what I mean.

In a statement released by the Lions, Cullen apologized for a "mistake in judgment." Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

I was under the impression that "mistake in judgment" applied to circumstances like, say, not bringing a raincoat to Comerica Park on Tuesday night when rain was in the forecast. I think we need to come up with a better description here. The more euphemistic, the better, of course.

And you thought you were stressed out about the Lions' season beginning on Sunday. Man.

Let's not entirely make light of the situation, however. It's incredibly fortunate that Cullen didn't hurt anyone - or himself. The man obviously has some serious issues to deal with, and is now seeking treatment for his problems, so he probably doesn't deserve to be kicked while he's down.

Having said that, in the interests of safety and health for both Cullen and the rest of the Lions coaching staff, I'd like to leave a couple of links to suggest other ways of relaxing after work.

• Here are 10 recommendations from Dr. Andrew Weil for stress and relaxation.
• AskMen.com offers 15 ways to relax at work.
• Another five suggestions for relaxing on the job from career-intelligence.com.
• Finally, Business Week has two simple ways to relieve stress quickly.

I'm no doctor, nor do I run a professional website, but I'd like to offer a few ideas of my own. Swedish massage, for instance. Or maybe the Japanese stuff. You know - shiatsu. (Actually, I hear the Thai stuff ends pretty well, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.)

How about running? No, not like Frank the Tank. Put some running shorts on, for Millen's sake. Maybe staying inside with a treadmill would work better. Or just do yoga instead.

Think about trying a hobby. My friend Mis Hooz finds knitting very therapeutic. Or cooking. That works for me. Even more so, when I think about Rachael Ray while I'm preparing dinner.

You know, a good puzzle sometimes does the trick. Go for some Sudoku. Or a crossword puzzle. And hey, Mike Mussina does those, so that sport-o image can be maintained.

Or just sit back and watch some good ol' sitcoms on TV. That 70's Show is pretty funny stuff. Man, the laughter just makes that tension melt away. Oh, that Fez is so effeminate!

The point is that there are better ways to dial it down once it's time to go home. I understand that the Lions' coaching staff might be frustrated on Sunday evenings after their games. But don't take it out on your fellow citizens. That's what sports talk radio is for. Go call Mike Valenti on 'XYT, man. Just don't get hammered, step into your car naked, and start driving.

If that's not the lesson for the day, then I just haven't done my job as a blogger. Oh, and stay in school. Don't be a fool.

Stand up straight, men! It's the Marinelli Live Blog!

10:00 - Here we go. Millen slumbers up to the podium almost sheepishly, with a forced smile. ("Please don't ask me mean questions.") He looks like me when I have to go to church.

10:03 - "We've been patient," Millen said. "It was thorough." There's your slogan for the 2006-07 season. The t-shirts are probably being printed as we speak.

10:05 - Marinelli addresses the press with "Good morning, men." He doesn't ask anyone to stand at attention, or drop and give him 20, though, which has to be a relief to the press corps.

10:06 - Marinelli begins with sort of an Oscar acceptance speech, running through his coaching mentors and philosophies, and the players who worked hard for him - "great men." But will he finish defining himself before the orchestra plays him off the stage?

10:07 - He looks much younger than 56. To me, Marinelli's age was one of the red flags in his hiring. But he's a young, energetic-looking 56. That'll probably change. Millen, who's going on 48, looks much older.

10:08 - Marinelli again addresses the media as "men." This press conference would be much more fun if drums and flutes, or "Ride of the Valkyries," were playing in the background. ("I love the smell of muscle balm in the morning!")

10:10 - Call me a sucker, but as Marinelli talks about how he wants his team to play, and how he coaches, he looks like he's ready to pick up the podium, tear it apart, and tackle someone. Compare that to the awkward dorkiness of Marty ("The bar is hiiigh") Mornhinweg.

10:11 - First question from the press. Marinelli didn't bark back to the reporter, "Ask me like you've got a pair, son!" which is kind of disappointing.

10:13 - "Look at my tape," he says when asked how he sold himself. "That's who I am." You think he ever pulled that line on a first date?

10:15 - When asked about his offensive philosophy, Marinelli said he wants to "run the ball. With power. And I want to defend it with power." Somewhere in Texas, a tear runs down the face of Roy Williams. Elsewhere, Damien Woody just put down his party sub.

10:16 - First speed bump of the day: Did Marinelli just mention Eric Hipple as a quarterback he had a good relationship with? Not sure that was the right name to drop, Rod... er, I mean, sir. Brad Johnson? Okay, that's a little better.

10:18 - Marinelli points out that he wasn't just a position coach, he was an "assistant head coach." What does that involve? "Interaction with the team... being involved with practice schedules. I've trained to be a head coach." No word on whether he got to wear the headphones with the microphone, though.

Stop slouching, son! Keep reading!

10:21 - Here's the sell job: Marinelli is the anti-Mariucci. "You got to change habits with men... how you work, how you practice... how much you enjoy practicing in pads because it's good for you."

10:23 - When asked about Joey Harrington, he says "I don't know what he was taught, or asked to do." But he sees talent. Somewhere, Tom Izzo is nearby to console Mooch in this moment of need. ("It's okay, Mooch. It's okay. You're still my tough guy.")

10:25 - Larry Lage asks Marinelli if he has the confidence to do the job. "See, I've got confidence." I'm waiting for him to challenge a reporter to "come up here and kick me in the Jimmy!" Go on up there, Larry!

10:27 - Rob Parker, bad-aaassss sports columnist: "Fans are tired of the talk. Is this team going to make the playoffs next year?" Marinelli answers with coaching cliches ("It's a show-me game," "It's every Sunday").

10:29 - But Rob won't back down! That's what you're facing, Coach! Rob Parker is the voice of the fans, sir! "Come oooooooooon, Wod!" What a face-off! It's like watching Sgt. Foley and Zack Mayo go at it in An Officer and a Gentleman. ("You're out!" "I got nowhere else to go!")

10:31 - A line has been drawn. Sgt. Marinelli doesn't like the personal questions. "Don't be too personal." Don't ask him about serving in Vietnam, Nancy!

10:34 - A key question from Tom Kowalski: How do you sell practicing in pads to a team that hasn't done it for five years? Ooooh, Killer - you just walked into the Sargeant's wheelhouse. "I believe in morale," he says. "It's not about punishment... it's about improving... getting better."

10:35 - Sarge isn't done yet. He practically gives a clinic in tackling, right there at the podium. "It's a game of hips when you tackle, not push and shove." He looks ready to tackle Kowalski right now. "You play this game low!"

And after that, Marinelli and Millen went outside, took off their shirts in the show, bumped chests, and killed and ate a deer raw! Well, TV cameras didn't show that. But I think that's what happened.

The whole press conference seemed like a direct response to all the criticism the Lions have been taking, a show for the media and the players. Too soft? This guy is hard. "No excuses, no explanations - just standards." This man watches tape and pushes players to be men. (I'll have to go back and count how many times "tape" and "men" were said.) He ain't filmin' Ford commercials, people!

Again, maybe I'm an easy sell. If so, I'll drop and give you 20. But I was impressed by Marinelli. Was he saying what we all wanted to hear? Sure. (Unless you were hoping for an offensive guru.) I thought there was a little too much "Well, I know what I'm talking about - because I watch tape and you don't" from him. But we want someone to come in here, kick ass, take names, and forge a winning football team. And it looks like that's what we're getting.

I do wonder, however, if Millen's gone a little too far to the other extreme here. Steve Mariucci ran a country club locker room that was easy on the players. His replacement is running a boot camp. It would've been nice if Millen faced the press to answer for this, but maybe he felt he gave the press their shots when he fired Mariucci.

If not for the fact that his former players seem to love him, I'd worry that he'll burn these guys out fast. Of course, there's a big difference between running one single unit and overseeing an entire team. But if players - and people - really want to be led, maybe this is the right guy. I reserve the right to change my mind, however, until we see what kinds of assistant coaches Marinelli is able to bring in. Will we get the wizard offensive coordinator so many of us are hoping for? (My magic 8-ball says no.)

So when does training camp start?

(Image from "Get Fuzzy" ©2006 Darby Conley/ Dist. by UFS, Inc.)