Rooting For 0-16 Does Not Make Me Less of a Fan

So I'm watching "SportsWorks" on Fox 2 Sunday night, as Dan Miller, Jamie Samuelsen, and Sean Baligian try to pick apart yet another loss (the 14th of the season) by the Detroit Lions. And there's really only so much to say when the losing continues week after week. Maybe the Lions are showing a little bit of fight at the end of the season, especially as it tries to avoid becoming the first team in NFL history to go winless over a 16-game season, but with only two games left on the schedule, they're running out of chances to avoid pro football infamy.

But while discussing that very possibility, Miller asks Samuelsen and Baligian if they're part of the "moron contingent" of Lions fans that is rooting for the team to go 0-16. And when I hear that, I sit up. Because I count myself among the segment of Detroit sports fans that want to see the Lions suck on a historical level. And maybe my perception is influenced by the echo chamber of my friends, but I don't believe I'm in the minority on this. I think many Lions fans believe that the only way the team has any chance of getting better is for the ownership to suffer the kind of humiliating indignity that they'll never want to experience again.

Apparently, that makes me a "moron." Or as MLive.com's Tom Kowalski put it, not a real Lions fan.

If you want these things to happen and you still want to call yourself a Lions fan, I have a huge problem with that. It might be a silly little pet peeve of mine, but I firmly believe that once you start rooting for your team to lose, you're no longer a fan.

My response to Miller and Kowalski on this consists of two words.

Fuck you.

(What, did you think they'd be "Merry Christmas"? I'm sorry, but no other words better capture how I feel about this.)

Let me get this straight: two members of the credentialed Detroit sports media - who are paid to attend games and watch them from what is essentially an office environment in the press box - are going to tell people whether or not they're fans? Miller, as the radio play-by-play man for the Lions, is literally a professional mouthpiece for the team. Kowalski is presumably impartial as a beat reporter, but when you spend that much time around a group of coaches, players, and executives, it's impossible to remain completely objective. And he doesn't.

Am I less of a Lions fan than I was three years ago? Absolutely! This team - and its entire organization - has given me nothing to root for. Their games are a frustrating, joyless ordeal. And I can't even watch another, better team that might play more enjoyable football. (Believe me; I've tried to find a new team. But what fun is it to root for Pittsburgh's team? Or New York's team?) The Lions have actually drained my love of the sport right out of me.

Would I be more of a fan to blindly surrender my loyalty to a team that has given its fans an utterly inferior - and progressively worse - product for eight years? Am I not a fan because I want the team that represents my community to get better and know, deep down, that it can only be rebuilt once it's completely destroyed?

Miller and Kowalski dispute that line of thinking, asserting that changes are going to be made, so there's ultimately no difference between a 1-15 and 0-16 season. No, there is every bit of difference. Other teams have gone 1-15 or 2-14 before. No team has gone winless. And if the Detroit Lions have to carry that weight around their collective necks, maybe they'll work that much harder to make us forget what a laughingstock they've been.

The fact that I'm hoping for that, that I care enough to have typed out 600 words about all this, makes me a fan. How dare someone in the media try to tell me otherwise.

Happy Hour 03/09: You'll Never Hear From Dominic Rhodes Again

I didn't really have a strong opinion on the matter, but I thought Dominic Rhodes should've been named Super Bowl XLI MVP instead of Peyton Manning. His 113 rushing yards helped the Colts wear down that Bears defense, as they ball-controlled their way to victory.

Apparently, the Oakland Raiders felt the same way, because they've gone out and done what they always seem to do: Sign the Super Bowl MVP to a big free agent deal and watch him wilt under the pressure of his own overratedness.

How did Larry Brown and Desmond Howard do with the Raiders? How did cashing in Super Bowl stardom with Al Davis work out for them? Brown played 12 games in two seasons, snagging only one interception. Howard also only lasted two years, catching only six passes and returning just two punts for touchdowns.

A couple of weeks ago, Rhodes looked like a candidate for Dumbest Pro Athlete of 2007 when he was arrested for drunk driving before he could parlay his sudden stardom into a fat cash contract. But to Al Davis, that apparently showed the kind of menacing pirate streak that he still thinks the Raiders are made of. So naturally, they had to give him some cash. $7.5 million of it, to be exact. I suppose the Raiders learned one important lesson from their past, however. Rhodes only got a two-year deal.

Remember that game you had in the Super Bowl, Dominic? That was awesome...

The Joey Harrington Tour Moves On

Down in Miami, it looks like our ol' pal Joey Ballgame is about to be asked to bring his playbook to Cam Cameron's office.

Too bad Joey can't follow Nick Saban to Alabama. Although from most accounts, even if Saban had stayed, this probably still would've happened. The dude was benched for Cleo Lemon (who is disappointingly not related to Chet) at the end of last season. And he went 5-6 as a starter. Not exactly worthy of a $1 million roster bonus.

So where will Joey and his piano end up next?

▪▪ In other NFL transaction news, the Rams released Adam Timmerman. If he has any tread left on his tires, I wonder if he might look for a job with his old coach, Mike Martz? He could fit in well at one of those guard spots. Plus, he couldn't possibly be worse than Damien Woody, right?

▪▪ And here's what Beyond Boxscores thinks of the Detroit Lions slapping the franchise player tag on Cory Redding. I think the Lions have handcuffed themselves into this by looking at some housecleaning/attitude adjustment on the defensive line.

The Luckiest Coach on the Face of This Earth

[Yes, I know I'm a couple of days late on this, but dealing with the sick yesterday kept me away from the computer. So much like Big Al - welcome back, good buddy - I'm catching up on a few things I wanted to chime in on.]

I didn't catch Norv Turner's introductory press conference as San Diego Chargers head coach, but I can only imagine the first sentence began something like this: "Today... I consider myself... the luckiest..." Has any NFL coach ever feel into such a sweet gig @$$-backwards like this?

(Barry Switzer is a name that comes to mind, but at least he produced a head coaching record to be proud of at Oklahoma. And he got a Super Bowl out of his Cowboys gig, which sets the bar pretty high for ol' Norv.)

This sort of reminds me of the Detroit Pistons firing Rick Carlisle after two straight 50-win seasons. That looked like a potentially crazy move, also made largely because of personality clashes. Of course, a key difference is that Joe Dumars knew he had Larry Brown standing by while he made the announcement sitting side-by-side with Carlisle in what had to be one of the most bizarre pressers Detroit has ever seen.

As many have pointed out, Turner's record as a head coach is, well, not good. Yet here he is, taking over what was probably the best team in the NFL last season, largely because the Chargers' front office doesn't want to rock the boat. (Firing the coach who led them to that 14-2 record wasn't exactly the way to avoid choppy waters, however.) That's all this really is, right?

The Chargers obviously have a good thing going, and at this point in the offseason, they just wanted to bring in a guy who could - at the bare minimum - maintain the status quo. Turner knows that offense, and he has a good history of working well with quarterbacks and running games (as if LaDainian Tomlinson could get much better). So that should be covered. And on the defense, Norv's new right-hand man, Ted Cottrell, is familiar with the scheme and should keep it running smoothly. But just in case, Ron Rivera's on staff to step right in, if needed. This is head coaching by committee. If Norv can't motivate the locker room (as Jerry Rice has asserted), then this cafone has two capos to help him out with that. (Okay, I realize the mafia terminolgy's a bit much here.)

So if this set-up can yield a playoff win (and Norv has at least done that), then A.J. Smith and Dean Spanos can high-five themselves over glasses of chardonnay for making such an astute hire. But these championship windows don't stay open very long, so if the Chargers have blown it by making an utterly safe hire, it could be one of the all-time botch jobs. And that roster deserves a hell of a lot better.

Happy Hour 01/26: Pick on someone your own age!

I had some time to kill before going to the movies last night, so decided to head across the street and check out some magazines at a bookstore. After pouncing on an open chair with Esquire in hand (there's a very interesting article this month about Chris Snow, the former Red Sox beat writer for the Boston Globe who's now Director of Hockey Operations for the Minnesota Wild - but okay, I was totally checking out Sienna Miller, too), I noticed a disturbing image staring at me from across the aisle.

The face was pale, hollow, and sagging. The hair was thin. The expression was almost blank, with a touch of helplessness. I had to get up (even if it meant losing that chair) to get a closer look.

It was Al Davis on the cover of this week's Sporting News.

The centerpiece of the issue profiles the worst franchise from each of the four major team sports. And TSN opted to give the cover to the Oakland Raiders' 77-year-old owner.

Why? Because it's still football season, and the NFL sells? Because Davis' hubris has made himself one of the biggest targets in pro sports? Because it just wouldn't be as funny to put Peter Angelos or Isiah Thomas on the cover? Or is it because the image of an increasingly frail old man who still insists on wearing a team logo tracksuit shockingly emphasizes the magazine's point?

Yes, the Raiders are terrible. I should applaud that because they're the only thing keeping the Detroit Lions from being the absolute worst team in the NFL. (But let's be honest, when you look at the history of the two franchises, it's not even close. As inept as they've been lately, the Raiders still have plenty of championship heritage.) Just five years removed from a Super Bowl appearance, the franchise has collapsed. The record since then is worse than Matt Millen's. And Al Davis' stubborn refusal to adjust his football philosophies is a big reason for that.

But that cover, as well as an interior photo of Davis struggling along a practice field with his walker, seems like picking on an old man to me.

The New York Times did the same thing this week, with the picture they ran from Lane Kiffin's introductory press conference. It's a lazy, reductionist way of making an argument: Look, Al Davis is old! HA! And he just hired a coach young enough to be his grandson! No wonder the Raiders stink!

The pictures are actually kind of a deceiving accompaniment to Paul Attner's article, which details several reasons the Raiders have suffered such a steep decline. Most of those mistakes can be traced to Davis' clinging to his team's glory days, when renegade players and chucking the ball down the field, along with the owner's maverick approach, made the Raiders the most infamous team in the NFL.

And now, Davis' meddlesome, egotistical micro-management has made it virtually impossible for him to hire an established, credentialed head coach. Thus, he has to settle for a fresh-faced college offensive coordinator more than happy to jump at the opportunity.

So Davis obviously deserves blame. No one's disputing that. And he probably even deserves ridicule for attempting to dress and act just as he did 20 years ago. He's the Izzy Mendelbaum of the NFL - a guy who thinks he can still take any one of these whippersnappers who dare get in his face and challenge his authority. In reality, however, his day has passed and it's long past time he step aside and yield to the present.

But criticize Davis with the facts. Even if he has made himself into a cartoon, to paste his face all over a magazine to point and snicker at an old man who doesn't know when to step aside strikes me as extremely mean-spirited. And it's just too easy.

Maybe it's hypocritical of me to be bothered by this, considering I said Bill Parcells was too old to be the Lions' general manager. But at least I made that claim about someone who could still probably kick my ass if I said it to his face.

The Dream of the Big Tuna

Did you watch The Office last week? If you're not familiar with it, there was a scene in which Jim asks Ryan if he wants to play a prank on Andy, who's been bugging the hell out of everyone. Ryan declines by saying, "Not right now. But ask me again ten years ago."

That's how I've felt when hearing or seeing "Bill Parcells" and "Detroit Lions" used in the same sentence over the past couple of days.

That ship sailed long ago, man. Depending on whether or not you choose to believe reports from a few years ago, the Lions had a chance with Parcells, but opted to keep on riding the Matt Millen gruel train. (Go ahead - it's okay to cry. I'm getting misty, too.)

Of course, this could've just been written off as a silly sports talk radio or message board fanboy fantasy. At least until Drew Sharp decided to use that scenario as the subject of his column in today's Detroit Free Press.

And with that, let us all get down on our knees and bow before the prophet that is Big Al. Or just tip your caps if you don't want to get your pants dirty. I understand. Laundry sucks.

But c'mon, he totally nailed this one. You could argue that it wasn't too much of a stretch to predict that one of Detroit's sports columnists would phone it in with this topic today. But I choose to praise Big Al for having his finger so firmly on the pulse of the local sports media. And if you don't care to join me, that's okay - Big Al praised himself already. (We kid because we love, Al.)

It seems pretty clear that Parcells' coaching days are over, so let's focus more on whether or not he'd be a good general manager. I think he would be. Parcells knows how to put together a winning football team. He left the Patriots because he wasn't entirely allowed to make those decisions, but proved he could do it with the Jets and Cowboys.

Was it ultimately a disappointment that the Cowboys didn't make it to the Super Bowl under his guidance? Probably. But they sure improved while he was there.

However, the Detroit Lions are just too large a rebuilding project at this point for Parcells to take on at this point. Once the Fords finally face reality and fire Millen after one more "... or else!" season, there will be one hell of a mess to clean up. We're probably looking at another three-to-five year process. I can't imagine Parcells would have the patience for that. Not at his age.

And if that sounds ageist, I certainly don't mean it to. It's not necessarily the number. It's the number of football miles that Parcells has put himself through in those 65 years. Coaching pro football is a punishing job (largely by choice). For their general manager position, the Lions need someone young enough to bring some energy to the challenge. They need fresh blood to tap.

Besides, do we really want to see Parcells have the soul sucked out of his remaining years by dealing with this mess? All the blonde hair dye in the world wouldn't hide that. Look how much Millen has aged during his six years in Detroit. You can't possibly want that on your hands. For the sake of his health, I hope he's not even tempted.

Happy Hour 01/10: Where might Mike Martz go?

Oh, sure he's going to stay in Detroit.

Actually, maybe Mike Martz really will be the Lions' offensive coordinator next season. It seems like a pretty sweet gig for him. He was greeted with celestial rays of light and rose-petal covered streets when he came to town. And Sgt. Marinelli lets him do whatever the hell he wants with the offense. He can sign and cut three wide receivers a week or get offensive line coaches fired.

Plus, if you watched a Lions game with the sound turned down this past year, you probably would've thought Martz was the head coach anyway, judging from how many times the camera shows him on the sideline.

He gets all of the credit, and none of the blame. Marinelli has to slog through those what-went-wrong-this-week press conferences. And if the offense doesn't perform, well, it's Matt Millen's fault for assembling such a piss-poor roster, right? Meanwhile, when he's not telling Mike Williams to lose weight, moving back-up QBs over to receiver, or comparing Jon Kitna to Kurt Warner, Martz can just sit in his office and draw plays with crayons on the walls.

But hey, nothing beats being the guy in charge. So we've had a few rumors swirling around Martz throughout the season. And that just feeds into Lions fans' inferiority complexes. No one believes that he'd really want to keep working for the Lions, right? Even if it means being the head coach for the Cardinals or Raiders.

Then we have the Dolphins. As soon as Nick Saban skulked out of Miami like a mouse ducking behind the fridge when you turn the lights on, Martz's name topped the list of potential replacements. And why not? He's essentially the anti-Saban, and how awesome would that offense look under the Florida sun?

Wayne Huizenga apparently thinks so, too, and while the rest of us are watching Pistons-Hornets, or Deal Or No Deal, he'll be meeting somewhere in Detroit with Martz about his currently vacant head coaching position. Since Huizenga's interviewed virtually every other candidate available, however (nine coaches, including the Rooney Rule-mandated minority prospect), I suppose it's not a certainty that Martz will be tanning with Don Shula this spring.

But c'mon, if you were Mike Martz and Huizenga came to interview you, jingling that Blockbuster change in his pocket, wouldn't you start calling realtors in South Beach? (And we already know he likes Joey Harrington - that is, if the Dolphins don't cut him.)

All the weekend reading you might need

Maybe you've already been through the Detroit News' three-part "Behind the Scenes" series with Michigan at the Rose Bowl (uno, dos, tres), but are still looking for something to kill a little time before today's NFL wild-card playoff games begin.

Well, I realize I'm not giving you much time here if you're about to turn off your phone and lock yourself away before Jets-Patriots. (By the way, is anyone rooting for New England, just so we don't have to hear the nickname "Mangenius" anymore? I'm going for the Jets here, but I'm just curious.)

But if you needed a reminder how seriously they take their Redskins football in D.C., you might want to sit down with the Washington Post's three-part chronicle of 2006, titled "The Lost Season."

Part 1 covers the team's flawed personnel decisions, such as bringing in wide receivers Brandon Lloyd and Antwaan Randle El, and safety Adam Archuleta.

Part 2 concerns the clashes in philosophy between Joe Gibbs and the coach he turned his offense over to, Al Saunders.

Part 3 details the deterioration of the Redskins' defense, considered to possibly be the strength of the team, and asks how much blame should fall on defensive coordinator Gregg Williams.

Oh, and each part is about 3,500 to 4,000 words long. Make sure that chair is well cushioned, and that you have a bottle of water with you while reading. Taking occasional breaks for eye exercises might not be a bad idea either, lest you come down with the eyestrain.

2-12: Dead team walking

Remember last week, when the Detroit Lions committed five turnovers against the Minnesota Vikings? The frequent mantra spoken in the locker room was, "You can't have that many turnovers and expect to win a game."

Apparently, that logic doesn't apply to the Green Bay Packers. Not when they're playing the Lions, anyway. (Or maybe it's that the magic number for a loss is five. The Pack only coughed up the ball four times.)

For the love of Vince Lombardi, even Brett Favre thought his team was "lucky to win the game," after he threw three interceptions on Sunday.

One of those picks, by 'Dre Bly, gave the Lions the ball at the Packers' 12-yard line. But even after Green Bay virtually handed them a touchdown wrapped up in a Christmas bow, Detroit still couldn't get into the end zone.

A fade pattern to Roy Williams in the corner? A short pass over the middle to Dan Campbell or Mike Furrey? No - how about three straight running plays, capped off by the brilliant call of a quarterback sneak on 3rd-and-6?

Six yards to go, and the play is a QB sneak up the middle? Let me emphasize that point again. There wasn't one yard to go. There were six. How many teams make that call? No wonder Mike Martz doesn't let his quarterbacks call audibles.

(Of course, if someone else wanted to take charge of calling time-outs - I know, Sgt. Marinelli; it's on you, right? - that'd be just fine. Martz was terrible with clock management when he was the head coach in St. Louis. And he clearly hasn't broken those tendencies calling plays for the Sarge.)

Maybe the best part about that play was Jon Kitna's quote after the game: "I can't really tell you what I saw because if I did, I'd be letting our secret out."

Apparently, however, the Packers' Ryan Pickett knew exactly what Kitna was looking at: a wide gap between the defensive tackles. The Lions still managed to grind out three yards (so it might have been a good call, had the yardage been much shorter), but didn't get anywhere near a first down.

Ultimately, it was just another embarrassing play in what's been one shameful display of a professional football season.

And though the Lions have been dead to this town for weeks now, the fans will try to burn one last Yule log for the sake of Detroit next week with another protest/walkout against Matt Millen in their last home game against Chicago.

Last year's "Millen Man March" got some attention, but there was still some outrage and passion to fuel that effort. This year, I don't see it. Yes, the anger is there. Lions fans are seething. But that bile's being diluted with a tall glass of hopelessness, too, so the urge to spit it out just isn't very strong right now.

And that's what the Lions and the Ford family should really be worried about. A year ago, at least they could look at the fan outrage and say, "Hey, they still care." So Millen hired a new head coach, and hoped his teaching and discipline could mold the assembled roster into a respectable football team.

Maybe this is a classic case of breaking some eggs to make an omelette, or taking one step back to take two steps forward, but when you look at Rod Marinelli's face, it seems to convey that he didn't anticipate just how big a project this renovation would be. Meanwhile, Millen is nowhere to be seen; he's just hiding out until it's all over.

Approximately one year later, apathy appears to be setting in here. So what changes will be made this time? What other solution is there?

Getting the band back together?

After getting the news that Kevin Jones' foot injury could keep him out well into 2007, the Detroit Lions are now likely faced with scrambling for healthy running backs.

It will almost certainly affect their off-season plans. Selecting a running back early in the draft probably wasn't under consideration (though I think they definitely should've looked at taking one late, as I wasn't convinced K.J. was a long-term solution at the position). Nor was scouring the free-agent pickings. Now, that could be among the top priorities.

One option for the Lions, as reported in today's Detroit News by Mike O'Hara, could be asking Mike Martz to call up his old buddy Marshall Faulk and see if his sweet feet still have some juice in them.

Faulk is still under contract with St. Louis for two more seasons, but the Rams seem comfortably in the Steven Jackson business, and would probably prefer to cut ties and move on. While recovering from a knee injury that didn't pass a physical, Faulk has been biding his time as an analyst on NFL Network (and doing a fine job, I think).

Martz, as you might imagine, would relish the chance to score a key component of the "Greatest Show on Turf" for his Detroit offense. "I'd ride a bicycle to pick him up," he said to the Detroit News, before acknowledging that such a move really isn't up to him. (And considering the turnstile Martz has overseen at wide receiver this season, it might a good idea to keep the company credit card away from him.)

It would be intriguing to see how someone with Faulk's receiving skills (if he's still capable of playing, that is) could affect the Lions' offense. As impressive as Jones' numbers have been in the passing game, he's no Marshall Faulk. Perhaps no other running back ever has been.

Meanwhile, if any of this news has reached Faulk over at the NFL Total Access studios in Los Angeles, I'd have to think that the possibility of playing for the Detroit Lions has compelled Faulk to approach Rich Eisen and beg him (or anyone else on staff, really) to crush his toes with a ball-peen hammer.

Okay, maybe he should consider something decidedly less drastic, like calling Rams general manager Charley Armey in tears, pleading with him not to make such a deal. ("Please Charley - don't hurt me!") Or just giving the phone to Neon Deion whenever Martz showed up on Caller ID. If Faulk can do any impressions, this could be a good time to use those, too. ("Uh, hello - this is Kevin Faulk of the New England Patriots... ?")

It couldn't just be a regular foot injury, eh?

During his Monday morning appearance on WRIF's "Drew & Mike" show, Booth Newspapers' Detroit Lions beat writer Tom Kowalski reported that the foot injury Kevin Jones' suffered in yesterday's 30-20 loss to the Vikings could potentially cause him to miss even more than the remaining three games of this season. (Here's the news at MLive.com)

Jones may have sustained a "Lisfranc" fracture (which I found after several futile "Liz Frank" Google searches), which is often mis-diagnosed as a sprain, but is actually a break or dislocation among the small bones in the arch at the top of the foot between the ankles and the toes. The injury could also involve a tear in the ligament that holds the bones together in that part of the foot.

(Did that make sense? I'm no Will Carroll or Samela.)

If surgery isn't necessary, the foot is placed in a walking cast and rehabilitation can begin after four to six weeks. (This is what happened with Eagles running back Brian Westbrook last season.) But if surgery is called for, several complications can occur - the most common of which is post-traumatic arthritis in the joint - and recovery can take more than a year.

But as with any injury, recovery time depends on the individual athlete.

Lions linebacker Teddy Lehman suffered the same type of injury last season and has taken more than a year to get back on the field. And even after recovery and rehabilitation, it's not certain whether he'll ever be the same player he was in his rookie year.

Michael Strahan sprained the ligament in that part of the foot, and the New York Giants are still hoping he can recover in time for the playoffs.

So is this a mercy injury for K.J.? Is it good that he likely won't have to participate in the last three games of this torturous 2006 Lions season? Or is having to watch the games from the front-row view on the sideline more of a punishment? Oh, that foot pain might seem mild in comparison...

Where in Arizona might Mike Martz go?

A month ago, the rumor was that Detroit Lions offensive coordinator Mike Martz would be courted by the Arizona Cardinals to replace Dennis Green.

Right state, wrong job? Now, the Martz rumor roulette wheel is pointing toward Tempe and Arizona State University, which recently kicked Dirk Koetter to the desert.

According to last Saturday's Arizona Republic (via the AOL Fanhouse), the school is looking for a coach that doesn't need to be bought out of a current contract, can put together a coaching staff of experienced assistants, is able to recruit Southern California, and having the kind of name value that might sell tickets wouldn't hurt either.

Former Cardinals head coach Dave McGinnis, Titans offensive coordinator Norm Chow, and our ol' buddy Stylin' Steve Mariucci were also mentioned in the article as fitting such criteria. (Seriously, does Mooch sit in his dressing room at NFL Network and laugh at these rumors over a glass of chardonnay while comparing jewelry with Neon Deion?)

But the man ASU Vice President of Athletics Lisa Love has her bullseye set on is the Lions' current offensive sooper-genius whose system would totally be scoring more points if Jon Kitna wouldn't, like, throw so many interceptions and most of the players Matt Millen gave him didn't, you know... suck.

Martz coached at Arizona State for nine years (as quarterbacks coach and offensive coordinator), and Love digs that about him, man! Oh, his 53-32 record as a NFL head coach (complete with Super Bowl appearance) is impressive, too.

Surely, she knows that Martz isn't the Lions head coach, even though FOX seems to think he is, judging from the number of times their cameras show you as opposed to the actual man in charge, Sgt. Rod Marinelli. But hey, the Lions' games get the C and D-level broadcast crews, so maybe they can only afford to train one camera on the sideline. And really, who's more interesting?

Don't leave Detroit, Mike Martz. You're our only hope.

Oh, hell - who could blame him?

It's too easy, but still so fun...

For the past few weeks - hell, maybe even since the beginning of this sadly comic 2006 Detroit Lions season - I've been thinking I finally need to admit I was a complete idiot for ever daring to defend Matt Millen.

(Thankfully, there appears to be no record of that on this blog, and any posts on message boards have either disappeared into the internet ether or have been gratefully lost to time and clutter. Oh, wait - this post comes close. Damn.)

Like a couple of others in the local blogosphere, it's long past time for me to join the pitchfork-and-torch brigade calling for his evisceration firing.

But rather than masochistically list each of Millen's faults as President and CEO of the Detroit Lions, and every one of his mistakes in his capacity as the team's general manager, I thought it might be more fun to see what other GMs and executives around the NFL have to say about his piss-poor performance.

If you haven't seen this already (I found it through the Sports Inferno forums), Ron Borges of the Boston Globe wrote a feature coinciding with Sunday's Lions-Patriots game, in which he quotes several people on Millen's utter incompetence. And there are some gems in this article, man. Get a load of these blurbs:

▪▪ "He's got the worst record in history from a general manager and he'll have that record forever."

▪▪ "I don't want to be too hard on him, but the record speaks for itself. It's pathetic. Inept, really."

▪▪ "They don't seem to have any idea what they're doing in personnel... If you draft a wide receiver with your first pick back-to-back-to-back, you have no idea how to build a team."

▪▪ "You've got to get guys on both sides of the ball. You have to balance your thinking. Taking a wide receiver with a top-10 pick three years in a row isn't balanced thinking. It isn't thinking at all."

And I didn't clip all the good quotes. The article has more. I don't know about you, but stuff like this keeps me warm in chilly weather like we're having in Michigan today. Snuggle up with some snark, people.

The revenge of Joey

It might have been the most predictable outcome on the Detroit Lions' 2006 schedule. When you ran down the games and saw Miami as the Thanksgiving Day opponent, you knew there was a possibility that Joey Harrington could come back and stick it to his former team (if he, not Daunte Culpepper, was the Dolphins' starter by then).

Some of you may have thought the Lions would have a chance to crush Joey, showing him that he was never right for this town. If you fall into this category, you really haven't been paying attention, and should brush your teeth because they're stained with Honolulu Blue Kool-Aid.

But then the Lions really began to ask for a beating, making things worse by trying to rattle their former quarterback during pre-game introductions. The Dolphins requested that their defense be introduced - surely to prevent the Ford Field crowd from booing Harrington - and the Lions almost accommodated them.

But they just couldn't resist poking an elbow at Joey, announcing his name to the fans. And they didn't just do that, either. The introduction was accompanied by Billy Joel's "Piano Man." Get it? Joey likes to play the piano. (And as I once wrote in a column for Motor City Sports Magazine, Detroit fans don't really dig that. Ask Grant Hill about that, too.) Oh, the Lions were giving the crowd an appetizer of hijinks to tide them over until they went home to their Thanksgiving feasts.

Of course, if Harrington actually had been rattled and taken out of his game by these tactics, maybe it would've been seen as a devious move by the Lions. But since Joey essentially dropped a grand piano on his former team with three touchdown passes, the pre-game frivolity ended up looking desperate and unprofessional.

But it's sad and it's sweet, and I knew it complete...

After being exposed like a bully who had his shoelaces tied together by the smart kid before a fight, the Lions said the attempt to embarrass Harrington was "an unfortunate error," one that was apparently unauthorized by upper management. And as a result, the team says it will be changing the way game-day operations are run, likely with management exercising a bit more control over the production of things such as pre-game introductions. Or that was just the right thing to say while wiping egg off of their collective faces. Who knows?

So if management is saying "wasn't me," who does this fall on? I interviewed Lions public address announcer Terry Braverman for a magazine piece almost two months ago, and think it's safe to assume this wouldn't have been his idea. He takes his job pretty damn seriously, and cares a great deal about his professionalism. (And anyone familiar with his work in the same capacity for Michigan State University would say the same thing.) The script for introductions, promotions, and announcements is given to him beforehand, and he goes over it with the production staff. Now that's not to say he's Ron Burgundy, and just reads whatever is put in front of him.

I'd hesitate to call out Bryan Bender, the Lions' director of broadcasting and promotion, for this, too - though this might end up at his feet. I set up my interview with Braverman through Bender, and in the interests of full disclosure, he helped me out quite a bit. But he's another guy who's concerned about professionalism, and wanted to make sure I wasn't just writing some fruity-tooty, "He talks into a microphone - whee!" kind of article.

It's certainly possible that somebody just decided to slip that stuff in a little while before game-time. Or maybe all this stuff just didn't seem that bad when going over it. Maybe it was seen as fun and good-natured. Oh, if only the Lions had won the game...

(Meanwhile, Joey wore the proverbial $#!+-eating grin in post-game interviews, calling the Lions' introduction "clever.")

Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness... But it's better than drinkin' alone...

So can we get back to the really important stuff? Like seriously ratcheting up the "Fire Millen" talk again? I'll save that for another post, but it's long past time the Lions pulled the plug on this total traveshamockery, isn't it? Light the torches and keep them blazing until the merciful end of this season.

They're keepin' the "Lights" on for you

Congratulations to my buddy Clint, and everyone else associated with Friday Night Lights, as they got some great news from NBC yesterday. As first reported by TV Guide's Michael Ausiello, the show was picked up for a full season by the network, meaning 22 episodes will be broadcast.

I was able to briefly chat with Clint yesterday (just an hour after they got the news themselves - that Ausiello guy is fast!), and he said a celebratory lunch was being enjoyed by all. I'm sure those were some damn tasty sandwiches.

I know it might seem like I'm saying this just because my friend works on the show (and thanks to those who pitched in some feedback), but Friday Night Lights is some damn fine television, and I've become insanely fond of the show.

The Red Wings are in Vancouver, so game time is at 10 p.m. EST. And the Pistons are off tonight. No sports stuff is standing in your way (or good TV, since FOX moved House to 9 p.m.). If you haven't given it a chance yet, I don't think you'd be sorry for giving up an hour of your time. Tuesdays at 8 p.m., people!

Welcome to Detroit, Sarge

With the season 10 weeks old, I'm sure other people have already said that Sgt. Rod Marinelli long ago became aware of what he was really getting into here. But in my eyes, the Sarge officially became a Detroit Lions head coach yesterday, and must now feel completely trapped in the Honolulu Blue-colored toilet swirl known as the Ford Field Follies.

On how many different head coaches have we seen "the look"? You know that look. Hands on the hips, lips pursed in total frustration, cap pushed up high on the forehead to reveal the furrowed, sweaty brow upon which the weight of 50 years of ineptitude now rests.

The Sarge had to feel helpless yesterday, as he looked at his players out on the field and wondered what the hell they were doing. Where was the team that beat Atlanta 30-14 last week? (By the way, that win doesn't look so impressive any more with the Falcons crapping out against Cleveland, does it?)

How the #@$% do you lose to that 49ers team, in a game that everyone checked off as a win when they looked at the Lions' schedule before the season?

Yeah, yeah, yeah - "any given Sunday," blah blah blah. Screw that. Answer me this: have you ever been so totally assured that your team was going to lose a game in which they were only down by six points? One long pass to Roy Williams, along with an extra point, and the Lions would have the lead! But that was never going to happen yesterday, and you could just feel it.

Even when they got close to a score at the end of the game, you just knew something would go wrong. No, it wasn't a Kevin Jones fumble. That was (correctly) ruled "down by contact." But eventually, Jon Kitna confirmed those fears by throwing an interception. But even if the Lions had gotten the ball to the one-inch line, they just weren't going to score.

And it's not because the 49ers are once again some great team. C'mon, they're terrible. Any other team in the NFL would've been up by at least two touchdowns in that game. The fact that the Lions even had a chance shows how bad they still are (with the possible exception of Frank Gore, who was a concussion away from rushing for 300 yards).


But you know what really has me mad about yesterday's loss? The fact that I'm mad about it. Because I told myself that I was done investing this kind of emotion in the Lions. Just accept that they're going to be terrible, and get on with the rest of your Sunday. Go watch another team (if your non-satellite TV package will let you). Go see a movie. Go enjoy the outdoors. Look for something on this blessed planet to make you appreciate your life as a human being. Go find a woman to kiss. No, instead I found my own ass to kiss and stayed home to watch my Detroit Lions.

Oh, they'll definitely win this game. San Francisco's terrible. I'm going to order a pizza and enjoy a Lions victory.

I am a #@$%ing idiot.

And yes, I still went to the trouble of typing up some Game Balls and Extra Laps. At least I didn't have to type very much under the "Game Balls" heading. Check 'em out after the jump, while I go jump off my roof.

Week 10 Game Balls & Extra Laps

Game Balls

I know I've done this before, but... you're kidding, right? 49ers 19, Lions 13. No Game Balls!

Okay, I'll give one out. But to the 49ers. I know you're not supposed to give them to the opponent, but...

♦ Shawntae Spencer – Sweet Fanny Chanel, that was a hell of a hit he laid on Jon Kitna! Kitna thought his name was Joey Harrington after that. I believe ESPN's Tom Jackson would've used the words "JACKED! UP!" Look up "cornerback blitz" in the dictionary, and there should be a new entry. I guarantee they shot out of their seats and cheered in the 49ers' film room today. High-fives all around.

Extra Laps

♦ Kevin Jones – I was beginning to think K.J. earned a permanent pass from this list after three impressive performances in which he ran with power and speed. It looked like he'd finally found his identity as a running back. Well, you can pretty much slap a question mark on his jersey again. In fairness, Jones only ran the ball 13 times (though with nine catches, he received more than 20 touches). But 44 yards against a mediocre rushing defense was a huge disappointment.

♦ Roy Williams – Too tough to make Roy run extra laps when the 49ers covered him tight all day long? He still managed five catches, right? But the footage of him jawing during pre-game warm-ups - counting off the way the Lions would score, and how they'd get 35 points - was just embarrassing and made Roy look like an ass. I should accept that Roy just likes to talk a bit. But as fan, I really wish he'd shut the #@$% up - especially when nothing is guaranteed with the Lions.

♦ Stanley Wilson – Sometimes, you just have to make a play. You don't have to force it, like 'Dre Bly often does. But when it's literally thrown right to you, the least you could do is take advantage of the opportunity. That could've been the game right there, Stan. Maybe Wilson just dropped Alex Smith's pass because he was so surprised by it. I've done that in pick-up games when I couldn't believe I was that open for a lay-up. But hey, I'm not a professional athlete either.

♦ Rod Marinelli – Through nine games, the coaching seemed to be a strength of the team. What the Lions seemed to lack was the talent to execute the schemes. But not yesterday. Call it whatever you want: sluggish, flat, lackadaisical, apathetic, etc. The Lions looked unprepared and unmotivated on both sides of the ball. Sure, some of that falls on the players. But Marinelli likes to point the fingers at himself when things go wrong. And this time, we should follow his advice.

It's the Mike Martz show!

With our very special guest, Rod Marinelli! YAY! [cue music]

Is it better to have hired, giving your team a great offense for only one season, than to not have hired at all and still struggle to score points?

That could be the question facing the Detroit Lions after this season (and maybe through the rest of their remaining schedule) with rumor smoke signals floating near offensive coordinator Mike Martz. On NFL Network (which I now have, thank you very much - my skin is glowing as I've joined the 21st century), Adam Schefter reported that Arizona will very likely pursue Martz to replace Dennis Green as its new head coach.

And with the Cardinals' stockpile of offensive talent, they'd seem to be an excellent fit for Martz. Unless he either isn't interested in taking another head-coaching job right now or just doesn't want to work for Bill Bidwell.

But MLive.com's Tom Kowalski thinks the Lions shouldn't even take that chance. Pay the man now, says the Killer. Hold onto the Wizard of Woodward by any means necessary. (Okay, Ford Field is technically on Brush St. But it's near Woodward. And I couldn't think of any "wizard" or "genius" synonyms that began with the letter "b.") This team's development is at too fragile a stage to risk losing the man who's finally been able to make use of the offensive players Matt Millen has acquired. Replacing him with a protege such as Wilbur Montgomery (who'd likely follow Martz out of town, anyway) wouldn't be a viable option.

But how far do you go to keep the man? Kowalski advocates paying Martz a higher salary than the head coach, if that's what it takes. And even if Marinelli says that would be okay with him (what else is he supposed to say?), there can't possibly be another NFL team that has such a dynamic within its coaching staff. The closest I can think of, off the top of my head, is Washington, where Gregg Williams and Al Saunders make head coach money. But I don't think either of them are paid more than Joe Gibbs.

Big Al already said it: No way that would work. And it's pretty much ludicrous to even suggest that it could. But he also raises another interesting question: Who's had more of an impact on the Lions' fortunes this season? Even with only two victories, Detroit has been competitive in almost of its games, and that's due to Martz's offense.

But now we're getting into territory where answers are difficult to grasp. Not to underestimate the job Martz has done, but is it easier to turn around an offense? Sure, it all has to work in sync, but if you have the right trigger man - and Jon Kitna sure looks like that guy - can things click pretty fast? (You could also argue that Martz's offense just makes quarterbacks look good. Both Jamie Martin and Ryan Fitzpatrick put up good numbers under center in St. Louis last season.)

Compare that to a defense, where you're not just instituting a system, but a mindset. One of the problems that Marinelli and the defensive coaches have harped on is the players' reluctance to trust the scheme. It's been difficult to fight tendencies and break old habits, but if everyone does what he's supposed to do and maintains an assignment, the system works. You saw that against Atlanta. But it's also a question of making the defense tougher - putting them in attack mode, rather than reacting to the opposing offense. I know virtually nothing about coaching football, but that has to be a more difficult task.

Project that out further to overseeing an entire football team and coaching staff. Big Al also asked why Martz wasn't just hired as the head coach, if the Lions think so highly of him. But maybe he's a guy who's simply better at focusing on one side of the ball and teaching his players how to score touchdowns (or in Roy Williams' case, how to beat double-team coverage). Ultimately, maybe he's not suited for looking at the entire picture, as a head coach has to.

Of course, we don't know if Sgt. Marinelli is that kind of guy either. But we've already seen Martz essentially burn out in St. Louis, while building a one-dimensional team. I'd hate to see Martz leave after just one season; he was their biggest off-season move and has done exactly what everyone hoped he would. But taking another job was an understood risk the minute he was hired.

It's still too soon to say for certain, but I'll take my chances with Marinelli. Look around the NFL at the teams that are winning right now, and look at their head coaches. Doesn't Marinelli look more like one of those guys than Martz does?

After further review, I still hate it

Philosophically, I like the idea of instant replay. If a referee misses something on the field, why not take advantage of the available technology to make sure the correct call is made? After last season, however, I became increasingly convinced that it doesn't work well enough - either in the NFL or college football. I realize it's expecting too much for a system to be perfect, and what's in place now might be better than nothing. But if instant replay can't truly serve its purpose, then I'd just as soon see it ditched altogether.

To me, the latest glaring example of the system's flaws took place in last night's Dolphins-Steelers game. The outcome turned on an 87-yard touchdown catch-and-run from Charlie Batch (who looks much better with some hair on his head, by the way) to tight end Heath Miller. However, television replays clearly showed that Miller stepped out of bounds just past the 2-yard line. The touchdown should not have counted. And with instant replay, the correct call would be made, right?

Well, no. The play was never officially reviewed because the referees didn't see Dolphins coach Nick Saban throw his red challenge flag onto the field. And once the ball was snapped for Pittsburgh's extra point, it was too late to go back and look at the tape.

Doesn't that seem ludicrous to you? The Dolphins quite possibly lost that game because the officials didn't see Saban toss his little red flag.

Of course, you could fault Saban for his tentative, seemingly embarrassed attempt at issuing a replay challenge. Maybe it was chaos inside his headphones with various coaches arguing as to whether or not the play should be disputed. And given the point of the game, perhaps there was greater concern over losing a time-out. If the referees are to be believed, they tried to give Saban as much time as they could to decide.

Judging from his body language, it almost looked as if Saban didn't quite believe the Dolphins had a case, and finally just thought, "Oh, okay - I guess I might as well give it a try." But c'mon, even Marty Mornhinweg used to throw that challenge flag with more authority! Saban should've run right up to an official to make his case - or better yet, run onto the field. You think Bill Cowher would've just let a play like that slide? He might've tackled an official, if it meant getting a review before the next snap!

If the challenge wasn't a moot point once the extra point was kicked, it certainly became one after Joey Porter returned an interception 42 yards for a touchdown to seal the game. (Nice kiss, by the way.)

So maybe the system works, and it just didn't appear to because of Saban's hesitance. But I'm certainly not convinced. Too many reviews were botched during last year's pro and college post-seasons. And after seeing what happened last night, I'm extremely wary of the instant replays to come.

Against my better judgment?

After playing fantasy football for the first time last season, I knew I'd only want more this year. I thought I'd cut myself off at two teams, but once Pradamaster invited me to join The Ultimate Bloggers Fantasy Football League, I remembered that good things come in threes.

I just posted my draft post-mortem on the league's blog, but in a nutshell, I'm pretty happy with my team (except for the QBs). I don't think any of us were pleased with NFL.com's draft and roster restrictions (can only start two receivers, can't load up on reserves until all the starting positions are filled), but we all had to deal with them, so it's not like anyone gained an advantage. If you weren't able to attend the draft, however, NFL.com's player rankings really screwed you. Don't believe me? Ask twins15, who had the Steelers defense auto-picked for him in the 2nd round.

But the league should be a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to playing with those guys. (Don't worry - I'll save my fantasy football angst for the league's blog.) Man, I'm not getting anything done this fall...

Can you live this fantasy life?

Well, I got to live out one fantasy before the end of 2005. This past weekend, I ended my first fantasy football season with a beginner's luck run to a league championship.

(I'll get to work on a more ambitious fantasy some time after the new year. Ms. Johansson, have you found my blog yet? It's okay, I'm a lonely man with hobbies. I'm patient, with plenty of time on my hands. Wait, was that a poor choice of words?)

Thanks to the Chicago Bears' defense (and Brett Favre's newfound love of throwing interceptions), I managed to overcome my boneheaded decisions to start Ryan Moats at running back and Joe Jurevicius at receiver, and my Swift Sweaty Men scored a victory over Jim's Wabi-Sabi Warthogs. (Other bloggers in our league included Donutbuzz and Spinster Girl.)

My father and I tried fantasy football some 15 years ago, and after that, I told myself I'd never play again. I hated how it affected the way I watched a football game; for example, rooting for Anthony Carter to score touchdowns against the Lions. Never mind that we had no idea how to put a good team together. We just picked the players we knew and liked.

But after the Lions' putrid preseason debacle against the Rams in August, and my threat to take up knitting as a result, John felt my pain and suggested fantasy football as a way to get through the NFL season without forking out my eyeballs and stuffing them in my ears. And with Jim wanting to put together a league of bloggers (doesn't that sound superheroic?), the timing was perfect. I was back in.

And I was totally hooked. I loved it. I spent much more time than I'd like to admit looking at statistics, reading advice from fantasy football "experts," scouring the waiver wires for players, and bugging the other owners in my league about trades. I sought a shoulder to cry on when Donovan McNabb's injury laid him up for the rest of the season. I likely tested the limits of my heterosexuality while devoting my thoughts to players such as Andre Johnson, LaMont Jordan, Ernest Wilford, and Kurt Warner. (I know what you're saying: C'mon, Ian - if you're going to go there, at least think about someone like Tom Brady. I hear you, dude. My sister said the same thing.)

But now, the season's over and I have to find something else to fill that time. (Again, Ms. Johansson, this is where you can help me.) I'm already thinking about what I want to do next season. I want to join more leagues. Hell, I might start my own. This blog could become a support group for fantasy football addicts. What I'm saying is that I'm a voracious, greedy man who just wants more.

Thanks for inviting me to play, Jim.

I have some other thoughts on fantasy football, mostly for beginners like me or those who haven't played. I'll save them for after the jump, in case you've played for years and already know this stuff or have already had your fill. But I'd love to swap notes with the rest of you.

Still fantasizing?

♦ This I learned: Be a hell of a lot more patient. I was using the waiver wire like a madman each week. Of the original 15 players I drafted, I only had three of them by the end of my season. Of course, some of those cuts (McNabb) were due to injury.

Be especially patient with your wide receivers. I let players like Reggie Wayne and Plaxico Burress go after one or two bad weeks, and was scrambling for warm bodies (Koren Robinson?) at the end of the season. I totally underestimated how important that position can be for a fantasy team.

♦ Worst move? I kicked myself for weeks over cutting LaMont Jordan.

♦ Best move? Getting the Bears defense off waivers in Week 4. Picking up Kurt Warner after McNabb got hurt was a distant second. I'd love to say drafting Shaun Alexander, but I was lucky enough to score the second pick in our draft. It was either him or LaDainian Tomlinson. Why did I go with Alexander? Intuition, I guess. And he was playing for a contract.

♦ Biggest bust? I picked Kevin Jones in the second round. And eventually cut him for Samkon Gado. What a nightmarish season this guy had, in fantasy and reality. Of course, whenever he scored a touchdown, I had him on the bench. Dallas Clark and Michael Clayton also crapped out big-time.

Care to add anything, fellas?