Sweaty Men Endeavors

The sports blog with the slightly gay name

Monday, November 13, 2006

Welcome to Detroit, Sarge

With the season 10 weeks old, I'm sure other people have already said that Sgt. Rod Marinelli long ago became aware of what he was really getting into here. But in my eyes, the Sarge officially became a Detroit Lions head coach yesterday, and must now feel completely trapped in the Honolulu Blue-colored toilet swirl known as the Ford Field Follies.

On how many different head coaches have we seen "the look"? You know that look. Hands on the hips, lips pursed in total frustration, cap pushed up high on the forehead to reveal the furrowed, sweaty brow upon which the weight of 50 years of ineptitude now rests.

The Sarge had to feel helpless yesterday, as he looked at his players out on the field and wondered what the hell they were doing. Where was the team that beat Atlanta 30-14 last week? (By the way, that win doesn't look so impressive any more with the Falcons crapping out against Cleveland, does it?)

How the #@$% do you lose to that 49ers team, in a game that everyone checked off as a win when they looked at the Lions' schedule before the season?

Yeah, yeah, yeah - "any given Sunday," blah blah blah. Screw that. Answer me this: have you ever been so totally assured that your team was going to lose a game in which they were only down by six points? One long pass to Roy Williams, along with an extra point, and the Lions would have the lead! But that was never going to happen yesterday, and you could just feel it.

Even when they got close to a score at the end of the game, you just knew something would go wrong. No, it wasn't a Kevin Jones fumble. That was (correctly) ruled "down by contact." But eventually, Jon Kitna confirmed those fears by throwing an interception. But even if the Lions had gotten the ball to the one-inch line, they just weren't going to score.

And it's not because the 49ers are once again some great team. C'mon, they're terrible. Any other team in the NFL would've been up by at least two touchdowns in that game. The fact that the Lions even had a chance shows how bad they still are (with the possible exception of Frank Gore, who was a concussion away from rushing for 300 yards).

But you know what really has me mad about yesterday's loss? The fact that I'm mad about it. Because I told myself that I was done investing this kind of emotion in the Lions. Just accept that they're going to be terrible, and get on with the rest of your Sunday. Go watch another team (if your non-satellite TV package will let you). Go see a movie. Go enjoy the outdoors. Look for something on this blessed planet to make you appreciate your life as a human being. Go find a woman to kiss. No, instead I found my own ass to kiss and stayed home to watch my Detroit Lions.

Oh, they'll definitely win this game. San Francisco's terrible. I'm going to order a pizza and enjoy a Lions victory.

I am a #@$%ing idiot.

And yes, I still went to the trouble of typing up some Game Balls and Extra Laps. At least I didn't have to type very much under the "Game Balls" heading. Check 'em out after the jump, while I go jump off my roof.

Week 10 Game Balls & Extra Laps

Game Balls

I know I've done this before, but... you're kidding, right? 49ers 19, Lions 13. No Game Balls!

Okay, I'll give one out. But to the 49ers. I know you're not supposed to give them to the opponent, but...

Shawntae Spencer
– Sweet Fanny Chanel, that was a hell of a hit he laid on Jon Kitna! Kitna thought his name was Joey Harrington after that. I believe ESPN's Tom Jackson would've used the words "JACKED! UP!" Look up "cornerback blitz" in the dictionary, and there should be a new entry. I guarantee they shot out of their seats and cheered in the 49ers' film room today. High-fives all around.

Extra Laps

♦ Kevin Jones – I was beginning to think K.J. earned a permanent pass from this list after three impressive performances in which he ran with power and speed. It looked like he'd finally found his identity as a running back. Well, you can pretty much slap a question mark on his jersey again. In fairness, Jones only ran the ball 13 times (though with nine catches, he received more than 20 touches). But 44 yards against a mediocre rushing defense was a huge disappointment.

♦ Roy Williams – Too tough to make Roy run extra laps when the 49ers covered him tight all day long? He still managed five catches, right? But the footage of him jawing during pre-game warm-ups - counting off the way the Lions would score, and how they'd get 35 points - was just embarrassing and made Roy look like an ass. I should accept that Roy just likes to talk a bit. But as fan, I really wish he'd shut the #@$% up - especially when nothing is guaranteed with the Lions.

Stanley Wilson – Sometimes, you just have to make a play. You don't have to force it, like 'Dre Bly often does. But when it's literally thrown right to you, the least you could do is take advantage of the opportunity. That could've been the game right there, Stan. Maybe Wilson just dropped Alex Smith's pass because he was so surprised by it. I've done that in pick-up games when I couldn't believe I was that open for a lay-up. But hey, I'm not a professional athlete either.

♦ Rod Marinelli – Through nine games, the coaching seemed to be a strength of the team. What the Lions seemed to lack was the talent to execute the schemes. But not yesterday. Call it whatever you want: sluggish, flat, lackadaisical, apathetic, etc. The Lions looked unprepared and unmotivated on both sides of the ball. Sure, some of that falls on the players. But Marinelli likes to point the fingers at himself when things go wrong. And this time, we should follow his advice.

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  • At November 15, 2006 7:49 PM, Anonymous Evan said…

    Dude. You are IN-SANE.

    Rod Marinelli -- and maybe Jon Kitna -- is the only thing that *isn't* wrong with this team.

    Blame the O-line and the COMPLETE lack of talent on defense. And yeah, you show up sluggish for a game, that's a bit on the coach. But he's had them playing harder in every other game this year than they've played in any one game in the past 5 combined.

    If they weren't mentally prepared, I'm almost positive it has nothing to do with him but rather the fact that they're just piss poor players.

  • At November 20, 2006 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    A great place to find out everything about MICHIGAN AND DETROIT


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