Sweaty Men Endeavors

The sports blog with the slightly gay name

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Sir, keep your hands where I can see them!

Okay, there have to be more constructive, less disruptive methods for Detroit Lions coaches to blow off steam after the workday ends. They might be getting a little too high-strung over in Allen Park, if Joe Cullen's recent shenanigans (such a frivolous word probably shouldn't apply) are any indication.

If you haven't heard or read about this already (I was informed earlier this evening by our Rocky Mountain Bureau Chief, Kevin Antcliff) here's the lead from the AP:

"DEARBORN, Mich. (AP) -- A Detroit Lions assistant coach was arrested twice in the past two weeks -- once while police say he was driving nude and a week later on suspicion of drunken driving.

Police in the Detroit suburb of Dearborn said Joe Cullen, who coaches the team's defensive line, was pulled over Aug. 24 and ticketed on suspicion of indecent and obscene conduct."

Go ahead and read that last part of the introductory sentence - the one after the dashes - again. I'll wait.

Okay, you back with me?

Here's a little more clarification from the Detroit Free Press:

"... a Dearborn police ticket describes the coach as “driving on public street without any clothes on. (NUDE).”

Just in case you didn't quite catch that, the coach was driving around Dearborn NAKED. Au naturel. Starkers. In his birthday suit. What was between his buttocks and the upholstery? Nothing!

This happened the night before the Lions were set to fly out to Oakland on the same day as their pre-season game with the Raiders. See, we're not the only ones who thought that was a bad idea, apparently.

If you go to the Lions' official site, a picture isn't listed with Cullen's bio. And maybe now we know why. How was he dressed for the photo shoot? Perhaps... not at all?

At least "Frank the Tank" didn't get behind the wheel. And really, only his wife was embarrassed when he went streaking. "Joe the Show" is another story altogether. Yep. This is taking a whole organization into the news. That's a whole different bag of... um, you know what I mean.

In a statement released by the Lions, Cullen apologized for a "mistake in judgment." Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

I was under the impression that "mistake in judgment" applied to circumstances like, say, not bringing a raincoat to Comerica Park on Tuesday night when rain was in the forecast. I think we need to come up with a better description here. The more euphemistic, the better, of course.

And you thought you were stressed out about the Lions' season beginning on Sunday. Man.

Let's not entirely make light of the situation, however. It's incredibly fortunate that Cullen didn't hurt anyone - or himself. The man obviously has some serious issues to deal with, and is now seeking treatment for his problems, so he probably doesn't deserve to be kicked while he's down.

Having said that, in the interests of safety and health for both Cullen and the rest of the Lions coaching staff, I'd like to leave a couple of links to suggest other ways of relaxing after work.

I'm no doctor, nor do I run a professional website, but I'd like to offer a few ideas of my own. Swedish massage, for instance. Or maybe the Japanese stuff. You know - shiatsu. (Actually, I hear the Thai stuff ends pretty well, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.)

How about running? No, not like Frank the Tank. Put some running shorts on, for Millen's sake. Maybe staying inside with a treadmill would work better. Or just do yoga instead.

Think about trying a hobby. My friend Mis Hooz finds knitting very therapeutic. Or cooking. That works for me. Even more so, when I think about Rachael Ray while I'm preparing dinner.

You know, a good puzzle sometimes does the trick. Go for some Sudoku. Or a crossword puzzle. And hey, Mike Mussina does those, so that sport-o image can be maintained.

Or just sit back and watch some good ol' sitcoms on TV. That 70's Show is pretty funny stuff. Man, the laughter just makes that tension melt away. Oh, that Fez is so effeminate!

The point is that there are better ways to dial it down once it's time to go home. I understand that the Lions' coaching staff might be frustrated on Sunday evenings after their games. But don't take it out on your fellow citizens. That's what sports talk radio is for. Go call Mike Valenti on 'XYT, man. Just don't get hammered, step into your car naked, and start driving.

If that's not the lesson for the day, then I just haven't done my job as a blogger. Oh, and stay in school. Don't be a fool.

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  • At September 07, 2006 9:07 AM, Blogger Leelanau Sports Guy said…

    Classic! Only our Detroit Lions can pull off something like this...

  • At September 07, 2006 10:05 AM, Blogger the sports dude said…

    Maybe Dmitri Young had something to do with this and that is why he was released.

    Glad to see the bloggers invaded CoPa and brought the rain with them. Sorry I missed it but there was just no way for me to pull it off. Good thing blogs don't make us put our pictures up, we may lose readers!

    Speaking of the Lions I put my predictions up today and did my mathematical proof to justify my craziness and how I came up with a 9-7 record.

    Stay dry and I'll catch you later.

  • At September 07, 2006 12:01 PM, Blogger Mini Me said…

    Don't you have to be really excited this season if you are a Lions fan? They have sleeper team written all over them.

  • At September 07, 2006 12:20 PM, Anonymous Evan said…

    *chuckles* This whole thing definitely has me laughing -- laughing, of course, because he didn't hurt anyone, as you've noted.

    I'm just glad no one's calling for his resignation. Unlike an athlete, this doesn't necessarily alter his job performance. If it becomes a distraction or a problem, then yeah, his job should be in danger. But I hope he isn't dismissed or something because of his problems.

  • At September 07, 2006 12:42 PM, Blogger Ian C. said…

    Mini Me, the only Lions fan I've encountered who's excited about the upcoming season is The Sports Dude. :)

    They look like a sleeper team to me, in that they should probably be put to sleep after Week 4 or 5.


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