When NBA players check out for vacation early

There's a scene in the movie State and Main where Alec Baldwin's character smashes a car while out on a bender with an underage girl. What does he say when he gets out of the totaled vehicle? "So, that happened."

That's pretty much how I felt after Detroit's 90-81 loss to San Antonio. (I'm referring to the quote, by the way - not the drunk driving with teenagers. Just thought I'd clarify.) Okay, that happened. Let's move on to the All-Star break and try to forget this game ever took place.

Never mind that the Pistons apparently decided to take their mid-season break one game early. At the very least, their collective shooting touch decided it was time for a vacation. Weren't the Spurs at the end of a long, eight-game road trip? Didn't they play the night before in New Jersey? Yet Detroit was the team that looked sluggish on the court.

Personally, I completely understand. On the Friday before I'm about to head out for vacation, I've already checked out. Complete mental zombie at work. You know what I'm sayin'? So I'm inclined to cut these guys a break. Except this was kind of a big game against a potential NBA Finals opponent. Some people call games like these "measuring sticks." In this case, the Pistons were beaten with that stick.

Or maybe the universe just decided that the Pistons couldn't continue their winning streak while the Celtics mercifully ended their losing streak. There must be balance to maintain order, my babies. So I hear, anyway.

Is there any other explanation for how Francisco Elson could look like a frickin' All-Star (18 rebounds?!) against what's recently become a celebrated Detroit frontcourt? I know I don't follow the NBA nearly as closely as I did in high school, when I devoured league registers and handbooks, and could watch any game broadcast on TNT. But I thought I'd watched the Spurs a couple of times this season, and I've never even heard of this Elson guy before. (It's entirely possible that I just missed one of his games, however, as Elson's played in 41 of San Antonio's 52 games. Thanks for letting me off the hook, NBA.com!) Geez, no wonder they let Nazr Mohammed go.

Blow off some steam in Vegas, fellas. And come back with some fire next Tuesday. We're all counting on you.

This cold weather makes me grumpy, Chris Webber!

I know I've picked on Chris Webber here before, and it doesn't really seem fair, considering how well he's played since joining the Pistons. His skills really have opened up the offense, and when it's clicking, it's very fun to watch. According to the stats, he had a decent game against the Spurs, and was one of the only guys who shot well. And considering he was playing against Tim Duncan, that's really not bad at all.

But it just astounds me that after 13 years of professional basketball, Webber still hasn't developed a consistent post move. I'm not talking about that jump hook that sometimes goes in. I'm talking about a drop step, a spin, an up-and-under move, a baseline fade-away jumper - stuff like that. That little shoulder dip fake he kept trying on Duncan - who was sticking him far outside the lane - wasn't working. The only thing Webber faked out with that move was his own lower body.

Webber's the same age as me, so I know he had an opportunity to watch Kevin McHale and Hakeem Olajuwon apply their magic footwork in the post. He can't say those guys were before his time. Of course, if I could've dunked the ball like Webber used to, maybe I wouldn't have tried to copy any of those moves, either. But hey, if they worked for a short, fat guy like me on the court, imagine what they could do for an actual NBA player.

Of course, Webber brings something else to the game with his passing, and his ability to hit the guards cutting to the basket is a skill that many other post players didn't bring to the court. At this stage of his career, he is what he is. So I guess you take what you can get, and utilize what a player does best. Okay, I give in.

See, if it wasn't so cold here in Michigan, I'd just go outside and shake my fist at passing cars or the neighborhood kids walking and skateboarding by. (Well, maybe not at this time of day.) Instead, I have to stay inside and post curmudgeonly rants on my blog.

Happy Hour 01/17: Paying Off a Bet

While the rumors surrounding Chris Webber joining the Pistons burned hot last week, our favorite Denver transplant, Kevin Antcliff, often sent e-mail or instant messages asking if I'd heard any news that wasn't made its way out to Mile High country. As a big fan of Webber's, KA was decidedly more excited about his possible return to Detroit, while I looked inward to examine the grudge I still held.

Eventually, our discussion came down to this: Kevin thought Webber would sign with the Pistons, while I remained skeptical and figured he'd eventually go to another team that would either pay him more money or afford him a chance to avoid questions about his past indiscretions.

After "I think he will" vs. "I think he won't," where else is there to go? We'd get our answer in a day or two, and then move on.

So I asked K-Dog if he cared to make our little argument interesting. Probably because I was bored at that particular point of the weekend. But what were we to do? We weren't going to bet money. And even if we had cash to burn, what good would handing $20 over to the other really be? No, we had to come up with different terms.

And with Kevin reviving his personal website (Have you stopped by yet?) I thought it might be funny if he christened its return with a declaration of my greatness, an Ode to Ian, if you will.

It was either that or saying my name the next time he made love to his wife. Since that might make things a bit awkward for all involved, however (and because there was really nothing I could do to reciprocate such stakes on my end of the bargain), we decided to stick with the loser having to kneel before Zod and lavishly praise the winner and his wisdom on his blog.

Now that Webber has officially become a Detroit Piston and is set to debut tonight against the Utah Jazz, I have to pay off my foolish bet. So here goes:

Women want to be with him, and men want to be him. Kevin Antcliff is one of the greatest minds that the internet - especially the blogosphere - has ever known.

The banner on his site - KevinAntcliff.com - for one thing, is really, really cool and I'm totally envious. But he is also well on his way to establishing his own kingdom of media, between his work for the online edition of Mile High Sports Magazine, The Stampede (the official magazine of University of Colorado athletics), along with the totally awesome soon-to-debut website that will help all of us to lead healthier, happier, and more fulfilling lifestyles and undoubtedly compel sponsors to lavish him with ad revenue.

Kevin has also, in all sincerity, bravely documented his effort to lose 100 pounds on a blog, which is now titled The 68. (It began as The 100, which should tell you how he's been doing so far.)

Not only do I applaud his honesty and willingness to be so open about things many of us would be too embarrassed to reveal, but I admire the determination Kevin has shown toward bettering himself and achieving his goal. It would truly benefit me to follow his example.

But I don't want to get too serious and mushy here, so please allow me to highlight many of Kevin's other contributions to mankind, including the following:

♦ Kevin Antcliff totally came up with the iPhone before Apple, but didn't have Steve Jobs' money to bankroll the project. (Plus, he's already busy enough raising his two beautiful children, Riley and Madison.)

♦ The reason no one has ever found Bigfoot is that Kevin already found him - and killed him with his bare hands.

♦ Before pursuing the affections of Tom Brady, supermodel Gisele Bundchen asked Kevin if he wanted to go out to dinner. Kevin declined, however, because he is a devoted husband and father. But this is how great a guy Kevin is: He gave Gisele my phone number. Unfortunately for me, she said no - after she was done laughing hysterically.

♦ When making Superman Returns, Bryan Singer asked Kevin if he could change Superman's name to Kevin Antcliff. Kevin declined because he loves Superman, and quite frankly, he's just that humble.

♦ If you mention the name Kevin Antcliff to Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris will hide under a table. And soil his trousers. So would Jack Bauer, if the writers of 24 ever had the guts to write that storyline.

But more importantly to this sports blog, Kevin clearly knows more about NBA basketball than I do. And I envy him for remembering how much joy Webber has brought to him as a basketball fan, rather than becoming jaded and holding onto a grudge.

You win, Kevin. This time.

Happy Hour 01/16: The Webber Presser

♦ Chris Webber's face went from smiling and youthful to aged and tortured in about five seconds. He had to expect some questions from the media about what happened at Michigan, and how he might deal with that upon his return to Detroit. But to ask for an apology - or expect one - is probably hoping for too much.

Did he dodge the question by saying today was about the Pistons? Did he sound like Mark McGwire when he said he didn't want to get into what happened 15 years ago? I certainly think so. Webber can't possibly be naive enough to think that people have forgotten about this. He could smooth over everything with a simple one-sentence mea culpa.

But such hard feelings might be limited to Ann Arbor, and not representative of the Detroit sports fan base as a whole. And ultimately, as Terry Foster pointed out in his blog today, Webber is a Detroiter, not necessarily a Michigan Wolverine. That's what he's coming home to.

♦ Having said all that, I wonder if Michigan basketball coach Tommy Amaker might be misreading the situation by saying he'd welcome Webber back to Crisler Arena. After all, quite a few banners had to come down because of the money that he and his contemporaries accepted. And of course, there's also that infamous time-out he called in the 1993 national championship game.

Sure, I understand why Amaker would want Webber stopping by practice, appearing at games, and maybe sitting behind the U-M bench. Young players who either remember C-Webb from his "Fab Five" days or know him from the NBA would take notice. That's a hell of a recruiting tool for a program in sore need of a draw.

And maybe Amaker looks at a half-empty Crisler Arena most nights, with a city and campus that doesn't seem to care much about his program, and questions whether or not it's worth placating some hard feelings in the area. In his eyes, maybe he doesn't believe people could even be bothered to express outrage at this point. So what is there to lose?

♦ If you're wondering why Webber made the bizarre choice of 84 for his uniform number (we know he wasn't getting #4), he explained during the presser that his six-year-old nephew saw him wearing #84 in a dream. And at the end of that dream, the Pistons won the game. So that's what's going on the back of his jersey.

And here I thought it might be a tribute to the '84 Tigers or former Lions receiver Herman Moore. Oh well.

(Thanks to Kevin Antcliff for the link. More on KA tomorrow, by the way.)

♦ Sports Illustrated's Marty Burns isn't a fan of the Pistons signing Webber, largely because of his defensive shortcomings. Among the people he quotes in this article are a Western Conference scout who says "he's awful" and "can't play anymore," an anonymous Chicago Bull who thinks Detroit would be "crazy" to trade Antonio McDyess to make room for Webber, and various San Antonio Spurs who don't seem to care about the move.

♦ And finally, while looking up some stuff to possibly make a Thomas Wolfe (You Can't Go Home Again) reference, I was reminded that the main character in Wolfe's novel is named George Webber. Think about that when you close your eyes and try to fall asleep tonight.

The Prodigal Son Returns

I pretty much said my piece on Chris Webber coming to the Pistons last week, so I'll try not to rehash it. After making the case that I didn't think he would sign with Detroit (and arguing over it with a few friends), I came to realize that it wasn't so much that I didn't think he could help the Pistons. Regardless of how his skills have diminished, I think it's clear that he's an upgrade over their current big men (or "bigs," as we like to say these days). And judging from the ovation he received at the Palace yesterday, the fans seem to agree.

So it must be that I belong among those that still hold a grudge over what he did to the Michigan basketball program. And I'm not saying that's rational. Webber was just a kid when he took those money-filled handshakes from Ed Martin. Many of us have done stupid stuff in our late teens that we regret as adults.

Sure, I still grind my teeth when I think about Webber complaining that he couldn't even afford a pizza while he was stuffing his pockets with thousands of forbidden dollars.

But he was right to point out the hypocrisy of a school pulling in millions of dollars in jersey and apparel sales from an athlete's notoriety while cutting those same kids off from the money they helped bring in. Even if Webber really didn't have an ideological leg to stand on, it was still an issue very much worth raising.

Besides, the Michigan athletic department has had many years since Webber's money-filled handshakes with Ed Martin to try and fix the damage that occurred, and generally botched the job with failures to react to such boosters, along with bad coaching hires since Steve Fisher was dismissed.

I guess what I'm saying is I should get over my grudge. Maybe I will. But I felt like Webber was dead to me when those penalties were handed down by the NCAA. And I chalked it up to karma when he suffered that knee injury in the 2003 playoffs that affects him to this day. Letting go of that won't happen overnight.

However, another NBA title would surely go a long way toward letting bygones be bygones. (And if that championship came with a little humility from Webber, it'd be even nicer.) The Pistons obviously needed a push, something to freshen up what's become somewhat stale. It holds some underperforming players (Nazr Mohammed) accountable for their lack of production and puts the rest of the roster - including the coaching staff - on notice.

Perhaps most importantly, this allows the other dominoes to fall for Joe Dumars. This very likely isn't the last move he makes. One of the bigs has to go. Long-range shooting and quality back-up point guard play have been constantly elusive for the Pistons since their last championship, and this gives Joe D yet another chance to address those needs. And with the Eastern Conference in its current state, such moves should make Detroit a favorite to return to the NBA Finals.

Redemption, forgiveness, affirmation, and success. They're all ingredients that could make for a compelling story, if the ending works out as everyone hopes.

Don't blow it, Chris.

Friday Follow-Up #3: Webber, Due West?

While several reports have Chris Webber joining the Detroit Pistons as soon as Monday, indications are starting to sneak out that such a homecoming might not happen, after all.

Webber's agent, Aaron Goodwin, spoke to the Los Angeles Times to address the possibility of his client signing with the Lakers, and said there was one big factor working in their favor: "Chris loves Los Angeles."

Terry Foster of the Detroit News, however, wrote on his blog that the Lakers might not be the L.A. team C-Webb really wants to play for. He wouldn't have to share the ball with Kobe Bryant if he played for the Clippers.

In addition, Webber might be saying he'd like to join the Pistons, but telling others he'd prefer to avoid the pressure that might come with playing in his hometown. Could it be that he's trying to gauge public interest, and if he finds out that there's still a grudge held against him in metro Detroit, he's just as soon not deal with that?

And if he truly has reservations about being expected to help Detroit back to championship glory, is that the kind of guy the Pistons really need on their roster?

Happy Hour 01/11: The Tangled Web Webber Weaves

The rumblings began over the weekend that Philadelphia might show Chris Webber the door, and today it became official - though the Sixers still sent C-Webb on his way with a sweet check (for presumably less than the $43 million remaining on his contract) to stick in his pocket.

That leads to the question of where Webber will end up next, and when that's the case, the possibility of returning to Detroit to play for his hometown team inevitably comes up. And the Pistons are among the five teams Webber is interested in joining, now that he's a free agent. So would he be a good match with DEE-troit BAS-ket-ball?

According to some reports - for instance, ESPN's Chris Broussard earlier today on "Cold Pizza" - it's close to a done deal. I'm hardly an expert (though I love to try and pretend I'm one here), but I think Webber and the Pistons are a bad fit.

Could the Pistons use Webber? Well, sure - it wouldn't hurt to have someone with his talent, even if it's not what he used to be. Detroit's been pretty inconsistent this season, especially with Chauncey Billups' calf injury. Fortunately, the Eastern Conference's mediocrity has allowed the Pistons to remain near the top of the standings.

He'd be a fantastic sixth man. And with fewer minutes to tire him out, Webber might find some of the energy we remember him having - much as it has with another formerly explosive player, Antonio McDyess. But that presents an immediate question. Would he be willing to come off the bench here, as McDyess has, or would he want to be a starter?

For some Pistons fans, the answer is a no-brainer. Webber's an obvious upgrade over Nazr Mohammed, so get him. I'm sure Flip Saunders is at least intrigued by the idea of being able to run some offense through Webber at the high post. And maybe C-Webb could start while Rasheed Wallace comes off the bench, something that Saunders has been toying with - for whatever reason - over the last couple of games.

However, it's play in the low post that Detroit's been lacking - and has been for the last few years. If Webber was willing to do what 'Sheed isn't - get down low and pound the ball in the lane - then he might be a better fit here. But he's never been the type of player who's comfortable with his back to the basket. And those knees don't allow him to leap over defenders as he used to.

Plus, if he was on the roster, Webber would take minutes away from the one guy who seems interested in fighting for points down low: Jason Maxiell. Maxiell's one of the reasons Joe Dumars wouldn't open the vault to re-sign Ben Wallace, and at this point, I think it might be in the Pistons' better interests to continue his development, rather than stunt his growth by relegating him to a practice player and bench warmer.

But that's just talking about the on-court stuff. It's the off-court side to this potential pairing that concerns me. I think a lot of people still hold one hell of a grudge against Webber for actions that virtually destroyed the University of Michigan basketball program.

In addition, when Webber was a free agent back in 2002 and had a chance to sign with the Pistons, he criticized the organization for playing its games in Auburn Hills, a Detroit suburb, rather than within the city limits. Of course, a big reason he may have opted to stay in Sacramento was that Michigan had just been freshly penalized by the NCAA. Not only was it revealed that Webber took almost $300,000 from a booster, but he lied about it to a grand jury.

And I think plenty of hard feelings remain over that. I'd go so far as to say that even though he's a Detroiter, he's hated in this area. But that might be some of my Ann Arbor bias showing through. Maybe time has healed some wounds and I'm misreading the Detroit fanbase. I'm sure plenty of Pistons fans would be willing to forgive and forget if Webber gave the team 20 points and 10 rebounds a night, and helped DEE-troit BAS-ket-ball regain its championship contender status.

Then again, there's still that timeout many of us can't forget...