Happy Hour 02/09: Kobe Explains All

Thursdays are more about regular TV than sports to me, but I did make sure to tune in for the Pistons-Lakers game last night. And it wasn't even because I thought it would be a compelling inter-conference match-up. No, I just like watching the Pistons beat Kobe Bryant.

It's even more enjoyable when Kobe beats himself, as he did in the 2004 NBA Finals. Natalie mentioned it in her game recap over at Need4Sheed, and I loved being reminded of that. Do you think Kobe realizes that if he had only passed the ball to Shaq more, it could've been a much different series? Ben Wallace simply could not stop The Big Aristotle in the post, yet Kobe had to make it about Kobe, so he kept jacking up threes and dribbling into traps.

But let's talk about the present. When Kobe's held below 20 points (on just 13 shots), I think you could call that a disappointing game for him. Eight turnovers would seem to confirm that.

Did the Pistons' combination of zone and man-to-man defenses frustrate Kobe? Was Detroit so successful because assistant coach Ron Harper understands how best to defend the triangle offense, as Phil Jackson (who, in what's become comically typical, gave the Pistons as little credit as possible) asserted?

No way! In the world according to Kobe, it's because those pesky Pistons just kept fouling him. Check out the last two paragraphs from the L.A. Times' game story:

Kobe Bryant had 18 points, eight turnovers and, by his count, five scratches on his arms from Pistons defenders.

"They have a reputation for their defense," Bryant said. "They got away with getting some of our guys across the arms."

Of course. What the hell were the Pistons doing out there? Didn't they know they're not supposed to touch Kobe? Tayshaun Prince isn't even supposed to look at Kobe. C'mon, he's the Black Mamba (which Detroit Bad Boys has hilariously pointed out is the name of a female Marvel Comics super-villain)! Hopefully, the memo gets to Detroit before the next time the Lakers come to town.

By the way, I don't know if Phil Jackson was only talking about this because he was asked about it by reporters while revisiting the site of his only championship loss, but if losing that series to Detroit is something still bugging him to this day, well, that brings a smile to my face.

Man, I love it when the Lakers come to town!

Kick him when he's down? Sure!

(Or WSIHWAY? a.k.a. What Should I Have Written About Yesterday?)

Should've known better. Last week, I had some doubts about my Kobe Hatin'. But I knew it was only a momentary lapse. Based on that - and taking service time into consideration - the Kobe Haters Club (KHC) didn't feel the need to review my membership.

But really, it's Kobe himself whom I need to thank. What he did in Game 7 against the Suns on Friday might just supply me with a lifetime (or career-lasting) supply of Haterade. Three shots in the second half? One point? That's usually the first minute of a quarter for "The Mamba." Why did Kobe decide to crawl into his offseason hole in the ground during a game? (Even worse, it was a Game 7!)

For everything I've said about Jelly Bean's son, I never expected him to go down without shooting. Once the Lakers were down by 17 at the end of the first quarter, did he decide he was finally tired of carrying his team (whose depleted roster he helped create) and let them drown their way to a 31-point loss?

Or did Kobe have other intentions? Was he trying to make a point to those (such as myself) who have criticized his play, showing that the Lakers can't win unless he takes 40 shots a game? Was he making a case to the Lakers' coaching staff and front office that just making the playoffs isn't good enough? Was he giving the finger to those who gave their MVP vote to Steve Nash instead of him?

In today's Los Angeles Times, T.J. Simers said Bryant "can no longer be trusted" in big games. At this point, how can you argue with that? How do you know he's not going to bring some kind of agenda into a game? What defense could you possibly offer for that performance?

It was a baffling end to a series that really could've re-defined Kobe in the eyes of his detractors. Had he led the Lakers past the Suns, I probably would've poured my Haterade down the sink. He would've proven he could win both by making his teammates better and dominating a game when it was necessary.

But maybe that's just it. Maybe Kobe doesn't want to re-define himself. He probably doesn't feel he has to. And surely, he thinks he shouldn't have any detractors. How dare they?

Simers brings up another good point: Can we now officially end the Michael Jordan comparisons with Kobe? Jordan never would've gone into a second-half pout and given up a game. Even if he was going to lose, he wouldn't have stopped fighting. And if he wanted to make a point to the front office about the team assembled around him, he would've done it off the court to Jerry Krause's face.

I'd like to apologize to my fellow Kobe Haters for my lapse of faith. I shouldn't have let a couple of clutch shots bedazzle me. As Shepard Smith once said, "I have no idea how that happened, but it won't happen again." Surely, you won't mind, however, if I direct most of this week's Haterade toward David Blaine. Man, I hate that guy.

Oh, let us count the ways

So when exactly did it become clear that the Pistons were going to win last night's Game 5 easily? There were so many points where you could've just turned the channel because it was so obviously Detroit's night. Take your pick:

Was it the opening jump-ball, when Ben Wallace tipped the ball to 'Sheed, who then passed to Rip Hamilton for an easy lay-up?

How about Tayshaun Prince's half-court buzzer-beater to end the first quarter?

Could it have been the score after that first quarter: Pistons 39, Bucks 23?
Or did Terry Stotts determine the outcome of the game beforehand when deciding to put Michael Redd on Chauncey Billups, thus leaving T.J. Ford to defend Rip Hamilton? Ford may be fast, but he's not physical. And if you're not going to knock Rip around, he'll run all night. 40 points later, that bit of coaching strategy wasn't looking so good.

Maybe the credit should go to trainer Arnie Kander, who opted not to tape Hamilton's ankle so tightly.

(Photo by Daniel Mears/ Detroit News)

It's arrogant to say this was a "five-game sweep," especially when Milwaukee won Game 3 so decisively (and surprisingly). But apparently, that little spanking reminded the Pistons they needed to quit playing around, assert themselves, and end this thing as soon as they could. It wasn't ever really close after that. Detroit had a match-up advantage at every position.

You know what I'll miss most? Need4Sheed putting tutus on the Bucks in game photos. Classic stuff, Natalie.

So now the Pistons won't have to tip-off at 6 p.m. anymore - which Billups and coach Flip Saunders called "the J.V. schedule" - so TNT can show Bron-Bron in prime-time. They can join us in watching the rest of the Cavs-Wizards series. (Complete Sports has the good on last night's Game 5, including Washington's baffling last-second defense on LeBron.)

Or they can tune into the now-chippy Lakers-Suns series, in which Black Mamba battles The Bell. Or not, since Raja Bell was suspended for clotheslining Kobe. Did you catch Kobe referring to Bell as "this kid" yesterday to the press? HA! I still hate the guy, but he has the onions to back that up. (Hello to everyone who found this blog yesterday by Googling "Raja Bell" and "Kobe Bryant," by the way.)

Next stop on the championship train: the second round.

Wait a minute - this haterade tastes funny

As some of you might remember, my Man Card status was up for review a couple of months ago. With your help, I was able to get through that and maintain my membership. This weekend, I grilled some steaks and sawed off some tree branches in my yard. I'm doing really well.

But now, I'm worried about another card in my wallet. I think the Kobe Haters Club might have to call an emergency meeting, and my membership will probably be up for review. I think my previous record of Kobe Hatin' speaks for itself. But I don't know if I can attend any more monthly gatherings in good conscience with how I'm feeling.

In this first-round playoff series against Phoenix, Kobe has been anti-Kobe. He's been passing the ball. Getting his teammates involved. His scoring average is down more than 10 points per game. Lamar Odom and Smush Parker are making plays to help the Lakers win games.

What the hell is going on here? Is it possible that Kobe's regular season of ball-hogging was a ruse, meant to deceive potential playoff opponents? Do you have a better explanation for the Lakers taking a 3-1 lead in the series?

After the clutch shots Bryant hit yesterday - the first to force overtime, the second to win the game - I feel the need to take stock of my opinions and re-evaluate.

Which shot was more amazing? The high-arching floater over Boris Diaw's outstretched arm was simply perfect, just as high as it needed to be. If Kobe took that shot another nine times, how many would go in?

And then there was the game-winner, which Kobe hit with both Diaw and Raja Bell in his face. Everyone in the Staples Center, and everybody watching around the country knew that he - and no one else in a Lakers uniform - was going to have the ball in that situation. Didn't matter.

When asked about the shot, however, Kobe said "It felt routine to me." And I should thank Kobe for that, because reading that quote was enough to send some haterade gurgling back up my throat. Just when I'm ready to embrace the guy and turn in my Kobe Haters Club card, he reminds me why I can't stand him. But no hate today. The man deserves nothing but dap. Props. Praise. Adulation. At least until Phoenix comes back to win the series.

(Photo by Wally Skalij/ Los Angeles Times)

Some crow with your haterade, sir?

Okay, I've been a bit of a hater with Kobe Bryant this season, so when his team beats my team, I have to eat it. That haterade tasted nasty when I watched a tape of the fourth quarter on Sunday morning. I taped the rest of the game because I went to bed midway through the third quarter. Why? Bill Laimbeer (arrogantly) said the Pistons already had the game.

Apparently, the guys in the blue jerseys heard that, too. During a six-minute stretch between the third and fourth quarters, the Pistons went cold, while the Lakers ran off 18 unanswered points. Oops. Detroit went on to lose the game, 105-94.

Detroit Bad Boys broke down the 18-0 stretch in painful detail. And while looking at each of the shots the Pistons missed in those six minutes, one of the major reasons for Detroit's recent struggles is glaringly obvious. They're settling for too many jump shots.

And here's the part that had me roasting crow for dinner last night. Kobe Bryant, despite scoring 40 points in the game, didn't notch a single point during that run. His teammates, the players whose primary role seemed to be standing around to watch Kobe shoot, scored those 18 points (led by Lamar Odom's nine). How about them apples?

So today, I'm still munching on crow. Considering it came from the Kobe Lovers Club, I probably should've had someone else taste it first.

Day late Haterade

I'm a day late on this, but after seeing that Paul Pierce scored 50 points in Wednesday's 113-109 loss to the Cleveland LeBrons, one thought came to mind: Man, I still can't stand Kobe Bryant.

Wait, wait, wait - what does one have to do with the other? Pierce plays for the Celtics, Kobe for the Lakers. And Pierce's team lost! Kobe's team won when he scored 31 more points!

Hey, who said hatin' was rational? By the way, the phenomenon known as Kobe Hatin' has found its way to the comics page.


Okay, you got me - that's the only reason I brought Kobe up. I just wanted to run the strip.

(Image from "Housebroken" ©2006 Steve Watkins)

When Kobe plays a great team

Previously at Sweaty Men Endeavors:

"Man. Y can't ya'll accept greatness as it is?

"Haters need to shut up."

"This is probably just straight out Kobe hating."

"It's pretty damn sad that no matter what Kobe does he is still gonna get hated on."

You know, being called a "hater" last week hurt me. My mother and sister shook their heads and told me I wasn't raised that way. Friends called me up and asked what had happened to the man they once knew. Little kids kicked me in the shins. Dogs pooped on my lawn. Worst of all, people left me alone at the bar while I cried over many, many shots of whiskey. Alone, with my tears.

So I took a long dip in "Lake Me," and pondered what I wrote about Kobe Bryant. If I preferred to point out Kobe's selfishness, calling him a "ball hog," rather than appreciate his 81 points, what kind of a basketball fan was I? What kind of person did that make me?

Kobe's performance was almost the greatest individual scoring total in NBA history. Yet he accumulated those 81 points against the Toronto Raptors, who are currently tied for the third-worst record in the league. (Which team are they tied with? Larry Brown's New York Knicks. Uh-oh. What's that I taste in my morning coffee? Is that hatorade?)

But what would happen when Kobe played a real team, one with the best record in the NBA? This is the true story, of two teams, picked to play in an arena, oppose each other, and have their game taped. To find out what happens, when players stop being being polite, and start getting real. Last night, at the Palace of Auburn Hills, was the real world.

And in the real world, Kobe is a phenomenal talent. Racking up 39 points against what's probably the best defense in the NBA is certainly impressive. However, approximately 17 of those points were scored against Detroit's second-string defenders, while Tayshaun Prince was on the bench. And he needed 28 shots to get that total (and, really, when you take the fouls into consideration, it was around 35 shots), which was twice the number of anyone else in the Lakers' lineup. But as many pointed out last week, I wouldn't pass the ball to Kwame Brown, either. (Kwame's shot total? Two. But in fairness, the other starters shot in double figures. And Kobe had one more assist than he did last week, so you know he's trying.)

Basketball is a beautiful game when one guy runs into three or four defenders and throws up a shot while three of his teammates stand wide-open, isn't it? But hey, Kobe scored baskets in several of those instances. To not acknowledge that (or point out any three-pointers taken 25 feet away from the basket) is, quite frankly, straight-out hatin'. And I don't want to be a hater. It's too expensive to buy all that whiskey while wallowing in self-loathing.

On the other side of the court, however, the team that was actually built as a team, not an individual showcase for a glory hog, had each of its starters score in double figures. And at the end of the game, the Pistons tallied more points, which resulted in a win. How about that? Detroit 102, Los Angeles 93. That was Detroit's 11th straight win, by the way. And they're 37-5 on the season. The Lakers are 23-20.

Does pointing that out make me a hater?

"Best team in the league right now," Kobe said to the L.A. Times after the game. "Not much to say."

Actually, Kobe, I think you said it all.

A little hatorade with my morning coffee?

Have I become a jaded basketball fan? Why else would I be less than enthusiastic about Kobe Bryant's 81-point performance last night? Obviously, it's impressive; 81 points is the second-highest scoring total in NBA history. Only Wilt Chamberlain has scored more in a game.

But I'm glad this happened on the same day as the NFL conference championship games. Kobe's been overshadowed, relegated to third place in the sports news of the day - at least on the broadcasts and web pages I've seen and heard this morning. Sorry, Kobe. I just saw the highlights on SportsCenter, and I'm reading the recaps of the game at latimes.com and ESPN.com, so I know this really happened.

And I probably agree with Marc Stein, who said that Kobe's 81 points is more impressive than Wilt's 100 because Kobe plays on the perimeter and can't just overpower opponents as Wilt did. Also, the Lakers were twice down by 18 points in the game, but came back to beat Toronto, 122-104.

Yet here I am, shrugging my shoulders. It's not that I'm jaded, though I'm not nearly the NBA fan I used to be. How can you not love basketball after watching our beloved Detroit Pistons (now 33-5) play? (And how sweet was that reverse dunk by Ben Wallace at the end of last night's game?) No, it's that I just can't stand Kobe Bryant. Have we seen a more outwardly selfish player? Dominique Wilkins often seemed more interested in putting on a show. And Allen Iverson's a ball-hog. But did either of those guys have the apparent disdain for his teammates that Kobe does? Here's a quote from Mike Bresnahan's story in today's LA Times: "As the Lakers seemed to be slipping toward a third straight loss, Bryant seethed and had little to say to his teammates."

Wouldn't the Lakers have given the Pistons more of a series in the 2004 NBA Finals if Kobe had made an effort to pass the ball to Shaq? (Not that I'm complaining, mind you.) Don't you get the sense that Kobe is scoring all of these points not because he has to, but because he wants to? It's not necessarily that Kobe thinks this is the only way the Lakers can win games. Judging from the boxscore of last night's game, it doesn't appear that his teammates gave him much help. But since Kobe took 46 shots, how would we really know? It seems like this is how Kobe wants to win games.

And as a basketball fan, I think that stinks. I don't want to see that. Sure, it's fun to see someone take over a game and have a dominating performance. But only when it happens within the natural flow of a game. Basketball is so much more fun to watch when everyone is involved, when there's passing, cutting, and motion around the court, when teammates set screens to get shooters open, when guys make great passes to set up open shots. That's not Lakers basketball right now.

You know what else shouldn't be Lakers basketball? Those hideous white home uniforms. Wear the gold next time you score 80, Kobe.

(Photo by Lori Shepler/ Los Angeles Times)