The Giant of Douchebaggery

I know we're two weeks into 2007 already, but is it too late to nominate Barry Bonds for 2006 Teammate of the Year?

If you didn't catch the news late yesterday, it appears that Bonds - who's already under a bit of suspicion for taking substances to inflate his muscles like an AeroBed - tested positive for amphetamines last season. What exactly Bonds took wasn't revealed, but according to the New York Daily News, sources called it a "serious stimulant."

I know, I know - Bonds tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug? What?! Stop it - you're kidding me.

But here's the funny part: Not only did the drugs show up in Bonds' system, but when he was called out on it by the MLB Players Association, he blamed a teammate - Mark Sweeney - for the results. See, that came from something from he got from Sweeney's locker. Totally not his fault.

Well, as you might imagine, Sweeney wasn't too happy that Bonds pointed a finger at him and confronted him in the Giants' clubhouse. Bonds, of course, denied that he made such an accusation.

Is that what Gene Orza said I said? Oh, that Gene! What a jokester! Hey, it was a misunderstanding. I... uh, meant that Mike Sweeney guy who plays for the Royals. No, I've never been to Kansas City - why? Anyway, I didn't throw you under the bus. C'mon - would I do that? Hey, high-five! And then can I borrow that Purell Hand Sanitzer out of your locker? Thanks, my brother.

Oh, one more thing - it's cool this time, but I noticed you looked me in the eye during this entire conversation, and you know I don't like people making eye contact with me. Ever. I'll let it go this time, though - okay? No biggie. Okay, I have to go to the hot tub while you guys play. Yeah, it's my knee again. I don't know how it got this bad. See you later, dude.

Why wasn't Bonds suspended, you might ask? Testing positive for greenies (Ha! I typed "roofies" at first) doesn't get the same punishment as steroids would. Steroids gets you a 50-game suspension for a first-time offense. If you're caught taking amphetamines, you're asked to undergo treatment and counseling. But don't do it again, okay? Otherwise, you're gone for 25 games.

Anyway, this whole thing reminds me of something that happened back in college. I was living with my buddy Mike, and his mother came over to visit. And while chatting in his room, Mike's mom spotted a pack of cigarettes on the dresser. So she kind of flipped out a little bit. How did Mike handle the situation? He said those Marlboro Lights belonged to me.

I'm not still upset over it or anything. It's not like Mike's mom gave me the occasional quick lecture or something of a look whenever I coughed. And even if that really happened, that was years ago, man. No, it's cool now.

I will totally get him back someday.