Feeding me cold pizza when I need love

TV, you're such a cruel mistress to me. You gave me so much pleasure last night, only to hurt me this morning. How can you bring me joy, yet mere hours later cause me pain?

I don't know if it's a temporary situation, but my local cable provider, Comcast, has added the NFL Network to its basic cable package. Maybe it's only on for this week, with the Super Bowl in town. (If it was added before this week, I didn't notice - and I flip channels, baby.) It could've been done since the NFL recently announced that eight games would be shown on the network next season. Or maybe - maybe - Comcast decided to give us poor saps more for our money, as monthly rates are about to increase.

I figured I'd never get to watch NFL Network unless I either upgraded to digital cable, got Direct TV or Dish Network, or began spending all of my leisure time in sports bars. (And that might not be a bad idea, with the sports bar by my house having free wireless internet.) But there I was, spending almost every free moment - taking only a one-hour break to watch 24 - last night watching NFL Films specials on the Seahawks, Steelers, and old Super Bowls. And NFL Total Access! Rich Eisen, Lincoln Kennedy, and Rod Woodson interviewing Bill Cowher! And Mike Holmgren! Jerome Bettis and Hines Ward! Shawn Alexander and Steve Hutchinson! How long have other people been watching this? How long have I been deprived?

I fell asleep with NFL Network on. Yes, we spent the night together. I don't mind saying it. I'll do it right here on this blog! It kept me warm and spoke in my ear as I drifted off to sleep. And you know what? I loved it! I'm in love! I'm telling my mother tonight!

Right now, I'm watching a replay of the Steelers' Super Bowl Media Day session! Where else can I see reporters ask Hines Ward questions like, "Did you know your jersey is the #7 seller among women? Tell me what you think about that." (Suddenly, I don't feel so envious that Sweaty Men Endeavors wasn't miraculously granted the Super Bowl media credential that we actually never asked for.)

But I understand that it's healthy to give each other some space in friendships and relationships, so I hung out with some different channels this morning. I watched the Academy Award nominations on ABC this morning, and then switched over to E! for some banal post-announcement interviews. (Why? Because I drank too much coffee this morning and needed to come down.) It didn't have the thrill of last night, but not every moment can be special. But then, TV turned on me. Maybe it was jealous of all the attention I was giving my new best friend. Maybe it was mad at me for leaving it on so long through the night. I don't know.

What I do know is this: I briefly flipped over to ESPN2's Cold Pizza, which hired Gilbert Gottfried as its Super Bowl Media Day correspondent. I don't know if that's his official role with the show this week, but I'm hoping he was only hired for Media Day. Because if he's on for the whole week, then I'm not going to watch Cold Pizza for the 15 minutes per week of my time that I previously gave the show. (And that's up from the usual five minutes because they're broadcasting from Detroit, like everyone else this week, and I'm a sucker for a live TV remote in my home area.)

Gilbert, go back to The Aristocrats. You were great in that.

And you, TV, you will pay tonight. I'm going to let you know exactly what I think of you. You've been a bad girl. And I'll show you what happens to bad girls. But after we watch NFL Total Access and Sounds of the Game. And if I'm not tired after that.