Dinner with Roy?

Hi, Roy – thanks for meeting with me today. I know you’re a busy guy with practice and all that. I just wanted to talk with you about your game last Sunday.

Yes – yes, it was a fantastic game. You’re right. Yes, I heard that you’re the first Detroit Lions receiver in ten years to catch three touchdown passes. What was I doing ten years ago? Well, probably buying liquor, since I’d recently turned 21. I’m pretty sure I fell in love, too. Oh man, you should’ve seen her. She was a frea—

Oh, I see what you’re getting at. Sure, I was watching the Lions. They finished 10-6 that year. I cheered for them like a madman. I love the Lions.

Yes, I still love the Lions. Why would you ask that? No, I just act that way because I care so much. I’ve thought many times about becoming a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, but you guys are my team. You represent Detroit. The Steelers don’t do that for me. Although Hines Ward is a great wide receiv—

Yes – yes, I know you had three touchdown catches on Sunday. Hines Ward only had one? No, I didn’t know that. You keep track of those things?

Look, Roy, I’ll get to the point and tell you why I asked you here today. I want to apologize to you. I want to apologize for a lot of the things I’ve been saying about you over the past month.

Oh, you know what I’ve been saying? Right. Yes. That’s why this is a bit awkward. But please, just let me say what I wanted to say. It’s important to me, okay?

I’m sorry for questioning your toughness. Yes, I know you’re not a punk. I never said that. I don’t use that word.

What did I say? Oh. Well… I said you had female reproductive organs. I know. I know. Yes, I used that word. And I’m sorry for that. I know it was a muscle pull. Do I know what that feels like? Sure, I do. I have muscles too, Roy. Maybe you can’t see them, but—

Please read more of “Dinner With Roy”…

No – no, I didn’t play professional football. No, I don’t know what that’s like. I’m just saying I have muscles, too, and I’m pretty sure I pulled something while raking leaves this weekend. Look, Roy – please let me finish, okay? This isn’t easy for me.

Did I say I’m sorry for saying you have female sex organs? Okay. I’m also sorry for saying that I’d rather have Terrell Owens on my team, “because at least T.O. wants to play.” No, I don’t really want T.O. I was mad. I was emotional, okay?

I apologize for saying you should be wearing a pink leotard and slippers, instead of pads and cleats. No – no, I don’t like pink. Sure, it’s an okay color. Yes, I’m sure you could get away with wearing it. You could pull it off, Roy. May I continue?

I’m sorry for saying your middle initial, “E,” stood for “effeminate.” No, I don’t know what it stands for. Eugene? Yes, that’s a fine name.

I’m sorry for saying you chose the number “11” because the numbers looked like your legs – women’s legs. That was mean. Do I respect women? Of course I do.

Okay, I know you have to go. Yes, I’ll pick up the bill. I just wanted to thank you for meeting with me today, Roy. After Sunday’s game, I was feeling bad about what I said, and I wanted to get that off my conscience.

Hey, have a good game against Dallas, okay? I hate those Cowboys! Yes, I know you’re from Texas. Yes, I’m sure you’ll have a great game for all your fans back in Texas. That's why I'm starting you on my fantasy team this week! You’re the man!

Oh! Sorry, man. Yes, I know your thigh still hurts. I’m sorry I slapped it. I just get excited about football. That’s why we’re here, right?

Yes. Sure, we could meet again. That’d be great. What? No, I’d love to shave your head for you. That’d be cool. It’s the least I could do.

Yes, I know you had three touchdown catches on Sunday, Roy. Take care.

(Photos by Daniel Mears/ The Detroit News)