Sweaty Men Endeavors

The sports blog with the slightly gay name

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The new Canadian pastime?

So does this mean Canada owns us?

In baseball, that is. Canada 8, USA 6? What are ya TAH-kin a-BOOT?

The game wasn't even that close - 8-0! - until Jason Varitek hit a red-white-and-blue grand slam in the fifth inning. The Canuck hitters knocked Dontrelle Willis and Al Leiter (Big Al's poster child for World Baseball Classic mediocrity) around like curling stones.

And this Adam Stern kid didn't do squat for the Red Sox last year, but he was the hammer to the United States' nail yesterday. Four RBIs! He ran around the bases like a 19-year-old American kid sneaking beer and Cuban cigars back across the border from Canada for an inside-the-park home run.

This is an outrage! (The loss to Canada, not my strained metaphors.) I was going to eat Canadian bacon with my breakfast this morning. It's leaner, they tell me. It's better for you. Man, #@$% that! I'm flushing that $#!+ right down the garbage disposal, driving to the grocery store, and getting me some good ol' fat-laden American bacon that gets crispy when you cook it and turns your paper towels yellow with grease!

And I might pour my Molson down the drain, too! But I'm going to think about that before I do anything too rash. 'Cuz, like, that imported stuff's more expensive. I will, however, take a hammer to any Rush CDs that I might still have in my collection. Oh, wait - I already did that because I hate Rush. But you see where I'm going here. Bryan Adams? Glass Tiger? You're getting shredded! Because we're supposed to be better at baseball!

Are you with me? Let's grab back some national pride! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Wasn't the United States supposed to compete with the Dominican Republic and Venezuela for the WBC championship? Now, after being crushed by our North American neighbors, the United States is a loss to South Africa away from being eliminated from the tournament?

Of course, any sense of alarm should end with the knowledge that South Africa - a team with no recognizable names, let alone major leaguers - is standing between the United States and its progression toward total world baseball dominance. (Jerry Crasnick detailed other scenarios that could eliminate the U.S., but let's keep this simple: South Africa needs to go down, and go down hard.)

Unless the Rainbow Nation comes up with some strategy like parading a naked Charlize Theron through the U.S. locker room before the game or letting Dave Matthews' tour bus dump human waste all over 'em, I think the U.S. has this one.

Oh, they'd better have this one. USA Baseball ain't goin' down like this, mother#@$%ers! I'm not living in that world! Show some pride out there, fellas!


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