Sweaty Men Endeavors

The sports blog with the slightly gay name

Monday, January 02, 2006

The 2005 Outback Bowl Live Blog

11:00 - Whoa, look at all those yellow t-shirts in the crowd! You think Iowa brought more fans to Tampa than Michigan would've? (Hee-hee, just kidding.)

11:03 - Okay, I can see what the early drinking game of the day will be. Will Kirk Ferentz finally leave for the NFL? (Our beloved Detroit Lions were mentioned as a team that's interested.) How many times will that be mentioned? How many sentences will begin with "this might be Ferentz's final game at Iowa..."?

11:04 - That sound you just heard was the collective anxious vomit from the state of Iowa. For the love of Hayden Fry, let those poor people enjoy the new year for one more day, ESPN.

11:07 - Florida blocks a punt, and takes it in for a touchdown! You know, you have to wonder if that'll be the last blocked punt Kirk Ferentz ever sees at Iowa.

11:11 - Chris Spielman just referred to Ed Hinkel as Drew Tate's "comforter." Chris, it's okay to say "blankie." You know it's what you were thinking. It's cute when big, tough linebackers say "blankie."

11:18 - There we go, our first Sun Belt referee crew reference. ("Don't worry, Conference USA used instant replay this year, unlike those savages in the Sun Belt! Ha ha ha!") You think that'll come up a few times today?

11:24 - Mark Jones once again said that Iowa linebackers Abdul Hodge and Chad Greenway are "inseparable." Did he learn something in his pre-game research that we didn't know? Are they picking out China patterns once they return to Iowa? Have they registered at Dillard's? Are any fishing trips to Wyoming in this tandem's future?

11:32 - Are we sure these refs don't have a little Sun Belt in them? If Hinkel catches the ball in bounds, but the Florida defensive back carries him out of bounds, shouldn't that be a good catch? Yeah, I thought so too.

11:37 - Did I just hear Greg Mattison's name? I didn't know he was on Florida's coaching staff. (Not that I follow such things very closely.) That makes it official: my dad would've rooted for Iowa in this game. (Well. he would've anyway.) But Dad couldn't stand Mattison, once he left Michigan for Notre Dame.

11:44 - I think the award for the freakiest "Welcome to the _______ Bowl" greeting goes to the scuba divers who said hello from inside the Florida Aquarium in Tampa. It was like hearing Darth Vader wish me a happy new year while his face was in a toilet. And the whole time a shark is facing these guys, ready to pounce! (Can you "pounce" underwater?) Guys! A shark! Who gives a #$@% about the Outback Bowl?

11:53 - Spielman said it: Iowa's offense needs to figure out an answer for Florida's pass rush. They're not blocking the blitz, and Tate has to sling the ball as soon as it's snapped to him. You know, this could be Kirk Ferentz's final game at Iowa. He probably doesn't want to see his quarterback killed.

11:59 - Nice drop, Damien Sims! An easy checkdown pass for a first down goes right through his hands. It's clear what the Hawkeyes need right now: Shawn Bryson.

12:00 - Spielman just used Bill Raftery's line, "with the kiss." Okay, that was a little funny, given the hit Florida's guy just laid on Iowa's guy. (I'd be an excellent color commentator.) But don't do that again, Chris. Not cool.

12:05 - Did you see the old couple sipping the sangrias? That looks like the life. Yep. When I retire, I want to spend the biggest day in college football in some restaurant with a view of the bay, sipping drinks with my wife, wondering whether to order the shrimp salad or club sandwich. This is why old men find women 20 years younger, and make them trophy wives.

Read more! Live blogs won’t make you go blind…

12:14 - Vernell Brown returns a Tate interception 60 yards for a touchdown. $#!+. So Iowa's down by 17 points, and their defense has only allowed a field goal. This isn't looking good. Where the #@$% was Tate going with that throw?

12:23 - Tate to Clinton Solomon, touchdown! Not the prettiest throw from Tate, judging from the replay, but it was right where it needed to be. It's too bad Solomon had trouble getting it together during his Iowa career. This guy should've been a great receiver for the Hawkeyes, instead of pretty good.

12:30 - Lil' Sis just called. Marcus Schnoor, the one Hawkeye player I met during my time in Iowa city, drew a roughing the kicker penalty, giving them a shot at another touchdown. "What's up with your boy?" When did little sisters start taunting their big brothers?

12:36 - Sure enough, Florida gets a touchdown, on a pass from Chris Leak to Dallas Baker. (After a completely bullshit late hit penalty on Iowa's Kenny Iwebema, by the way. Oops, did I type that?)

12:40 - I haven't watched all of the bowl games (actually, this is only my second of the season), but does ESPN's Rob Stone win the award for most inane questions to a coach before halftime? "Coach, Vernell Brown's touchdown - what did that mean to you?" I bet he was pretty #@$%ing happy about it, Rob. Even Urban Meyer was struggling for an answer.

12:44 - Halftime break. Raise your hand if you haven't been fired from your NFL head coaching job this morning. You think this could be Kirk Ferentz's last game at Iowa?

1:10 - Did Ferentz just blow off Rob Stone as he came out on the field? Oh, he was having a word with the referees? Sure, he was, Rob. He saw that "What did Kenny Iwebema's penalty mean to you?" question you had ready for him. Or were you going to ask him whether or not this is his last game at Iowa? Out of the way!

1:20 - Tate completes a pass to Scott Chandler, right as he takes a shot in the mouth. He's a little guy, but tough as hell. Maybe we could get the young man a mouthpiece out there, however. I'm sure he likes his teeth.

1:24 - And Kyle Schlicher misses a field goal. I hate all college kickers. Aren't they all seem terrible right now? Every game, field goals - even easy ones - are missed left and right.

1:32 - Leak to Baker again for a touchdown. 31-7. That just looked way too easy. This game is most likely officially over. As if on cue, my friend Mis Hooz calls from New York to wish me a happy new year. She claims she's not watching the game. Yet how did she know when to call?

1:50 - So here's the dilemma we can surely all relate to. Do I tell my friend I'll call her back after the game, even though it's probably over? She'll get mad at me if I blow her off for football. "Just TiVo it," she'll say, knowing that I'm still a member of VCR nation. But I appreciate her calling, so we start talking about our ho-hum New Year's Eves, and - wait, was that a muffed punt by Florida?

1:55 - Tate to Hinkel for a touchdown! 31- 14! Is this a game again?

1:56 - Play-by-play man Mark Jones says Iowa scored on a "jailbreak screen." Every pass play under five yards is a jailbreak screen to Jones. Do you remember when he was paired with Bob Davie, and they'd spend the afternoon talking about jailbreak screens, calling jailbreak screens, analyzing jailbreak screens, hoping their daughters could date jailbreak screens, etc.?

1:57 - Okay, Hinkel caught the ball behind his lineman, so it wasn't really a slant. But was it a "jailbreak" screen? Here's where I admit I don't even know what the hell that is. But according to Spielman, the play worked because the ball "went to a football player." How can we at home figure that out? The pads, the helmet? Are you sure it's not a basketball player, Chris?

2:05 - Notice how bold I am talking about Chris Spielman from 1,000 miles away? Yeah, that's right. Ain't so bad.

2:10 - And according to Spielman, Chris Leak is, well, a pussy. The young man slid to the ground, rather than take on the Iowa linebackers to get a first down. And that's why Urban Meyer's making his offense go for it on 4th-and-1. "You will run the ball in the Urban Meyer Spread Offense, you candy-ass! Stick your head in and get that yard, woman!" I'm a great lip reader.

2:13 - Leak needs to "take a tough pill," says Spielman! Oh, like Spielman's so tough. What, did you play a whole season with a torn pectoral muscle or something, Mr. Big, Tough Linebacker? Oh, right. He did. I remember that.

2:16 - Touchdown, Iowa! A 14- yard pass to Hinkel, following a 25-yard run by Tate. This is definitely a game! Wait, what did Spielman just say? Did he call Hinkel and Tate "true bulldog warriors"? Bulldog warriors, mutha#@$%a! Let's together and eat raw meat after the game! Washed down with some sangria by the bay, of course.

2:24 - Oooh! What a hit by Abdul Hodge on Leak! BAM! "The beatdown!" That'll keep you a candy-ass.

2:25 - A fake punt by Florida. Dammit. Ran right over "my boy" Schnoor for the first down, too. (Actually, he read the play well. Just didn't get there in time.) Urban Meyer's not a candy-ass. That call took some huevos. But is he a bulldog warrior?

2:32 - Dallas Baker is officially a Hawkeye killer today. Two straight catches for first downs. I think I could name my kid Dallas. Dallas Casselberry. Not bad. Has a better ring to it than Des Moines Casselberry.

2:36 - Mark Jones just asked Spielman if he was the one with a lampshade over his head on New Year's Eve. There's a visual for you. Would a man who once played with a torn pectoral muscle wear a lampshade? Bulldog warrior, mutha$@#%a! Raw meat!

2:38 - And maybe Meyer's too much of a gambler. Instead of kicking a field goal and putting the game out of reach, Florida doesn't convert on fourth down and gives the ball back to Iowa. Did Urban see last year's Capital One Bowl?

2:40 - The referees missed 12 men on the field for Florida? Are you #@$%ing kidding me? Doesn't anyone call illegal substitution penalties anymore? What, do they allow that in Conference USA?

2:45 - Schlicher makes a 45-yard field goal! Damn, I love college kickers. Man, there's been some excellent play at that position. You see a lot of these guys make big kicks these days. And if he nails the on-side kick here, I'll never write another bad word about kickers. Until next September.

2:48 - Scott Chandler gets the on-side kick! That was a perfect bounce! YES! Wait, did Spielman just say there's a flag on the play. Oh, $#!+.

2:49 - Off-sides?!?! What the #@$%?! And replay is showing Greenway wasn't off-sides! He wasn't past the line of scrimmage! Are you #@$%ing kidding me?! Spielman's ready to kill someone. "Unconscionable!" What the fuck is up with the referees in these bowl games? Mandatory eye tests for everyone!

2:50 - The Oxford English Dictionary just called. They have a new definition for "bullshit." Dammit! That was a terrible call. Do these guys have lunch reservations at Outback Steakhouse? Keep 'em away from Spielman. And anyone in Hawkeye yellow, for that matter.

2:51 - Florida kneels it down to end the game. Final score: Florida 31, Iowa 24. Ferentz should just attack one of the referees. What's the NCAA gonna do, fine him? He's leaving for the NFL, haven't you heard?

2:52 - Please don't leave Iowa, Kirk. Especially for the Lions. That would rip some kind of dark, sucking karma hole in my personal football universe. And I could never face any fellow Hawkeyes again.

2:55 - I don't think I can take much more college football. The officiating is affecting my blood pressure. Oy. And the armrests on my chair are getting torn apart. Okay, okay - I'll watch the Fiesta Bowl and the Rose Bowl. But after that, I'm done. Until September.



  • At January 02, 2006 11:46 PM, Blogger Cutthroat Pirates said…

    nice job on the live blog. Hey about what you wrote on my blog about the Lions would be happy with Coach Gruden, NFL Network reported that the Lions are after Bill Parcels, who has one year left on his contract with the Cowboys. That would be something if that happened. I am not a Parcels fan, but he is a great coach. He was why the bucs fired Dungy in the first place because he was coming to Tampa but then he changed his mind.

  • At January 03, 2006 7:35 AM, Blogger Ian C. said…

    Reportedly, the Lions had a chance at Parcells three years ago. Instead, they chose Steve Mariucci, and Parcells revitalized the Cowboys.

    It'd be nice if Matt Millen inquires as to Parcells' availability, but I think it's three years too late. Detroit needs someone on a longer-term basis, rather than a guy who might eye retirement at the end of every season.


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