Sweaty Men Endeavors

The sports blog with the slightly gay name

Monday, December 12, 2005

Lions-Packers: The Live Blog

Okay, the last time I did one of these, my friend Chris said it made him go blind. So proceed at your own risk. But I figured we Lions fans could suffer together. Packers fans, too. And for the rest of you, well, I'm not sure why you'd watch the game. Unless you had a player from your fantasy team involved. Even the Detroit News called this "Must Miss TV."

8:32 – How long is it going to take the ESPN broadcast to acknowledge the Lions are playing in this game, too? Let the Brett Favre lovefest begin!

Okay, my clock says it was only a couple of minutes. Poor Paul Maguire must have lost the coin flip to Joe Theismann.

8:33 – Don’t get me wrong. Favre’s the only reason I want to watch this game, too.

8:38 – Of course, the first play of the game is a penalty. Lions fever - catch it! The rest of the country gets to share what we’ve endured through the past 15 weeks.

8:40 – There's Joey on the sideline, hiding underneath a massive parka. “Please don’t make me play, Mr. Jauron. It’s 15 degrees!” He doesn't want to take that thing off.

8:41 – A 40-yard run by Kevin Jones! Yes!

This is probably a good time to mention that I cut K.J. for Samkon Gado in my fantasy league this week.

8:43 – And then Jones gets hurt, one yard away from scoring a touchdown. Oh yeah, that’s why I cut KJ. Picked him in the second round of my draft.

8:48 – Is there anything gay about five shirtless men huddling next to one another in 15-degree weather?

8:50 – According to Theismann, the “shiny thing” around Favre’s finger has nothing to do with the ball just slipping out of his hand. It’s “just a great play by James Davis.” Davis didn’t touch him, Joe.

8:55 – Could you show an IMAX film on Grady Jackson’s belly? Mike Patrick says Jackson has “chronic bad knees and a hip problem.” Wow, you're kidding.

9:00 –Matt Millen sighting! 20 bucks says the Green Bay crowd breaks out into a “FI-RE MIL-LEN” chant before the end of the game.

9:02 – Okay, if you’re in metro Detroit, have you switched over to the Pistons-Clippers game?

9:04 – Here's a shot of Grace Gado, Samkon’s mom. She looks like she’d rather be back in Nigeria than freezing her ass off in Green Bay. “I hate you for making me sit in this, son. Wait - how much are you making?”

9:05 – Favre throws into triple coverage. There's not another quarterback who does this, and still has a NFL job. Only Brett Favre. If he threw it the wrong way, Theismann, John Madden, and Sean Salisbury would praise him for “making things happen" or "being creative."

Theismann called it a “gunslinger’s throw,” which reminds me: Every time the term “gunslinger” or “riverboat gambler” is used in reference to Favre, I’m doing a shot. (Paul Katcher’s drinking game might be more fun, though.)

9:06 – Mike Patrick just said “riverboat gambler!” Pass the whiskey! Hangover tomorrow?

There’s more, if you can take it…


9:13 – Garcia overthrows #80 in the end zone. And I’m being completely serious here, it took me a few seconds to remember who wears #80 for the Lions. Can you really blame me?

(By the way, here's an excellent breakdown of why the Lions aren't playing Charles Rogers, courtesy of The Highlight Reel.)

9:17 – Touchdown, Lions!

This would be an excellent time to mention that I benched Roy Williams on my fantasy team this week. (Even worse, I benched Terry Glenn. I am a %@#$ing moron.)

9:24 – Here’s my dilemma: I need a good game from Samkon Gado to win my fantasy game this week. It’s the only thing I have going for me. This, right here, is why I originally didn’t want to play fantasy football.

9:25 – But I’m #@$%ing hooked on it. I’m sooooo playing next year.

9:33 – The Packers get a field goal blocked. Is it possible they really might be worse than the Lions? Even with the "riverboat gambler" at quarterback?

9:37 - And that might be the most infuriating thing about this season. The Lions stink like soft German cheese. Yet they don't stink enough. Five teams are worse than them! Four teams have the same record. So after all this, the Lions might not even have a top five draft pick. That, my friends, is pro football hell.

9:43 – A 63-yard touchdown run for Gado! My fantasy win, barring a couple of fumbles, seems assured. Am I really cheering for Samkon Gado?

9:55 – This has nothing to do with sports, but there’s been nothing type-worthy in almost 15 minutes. How super-cool $#@%ing awesome does King Kong look?

I love those shameless ads that try to sell the love story aspect to the ladies, too. You will believe a giant ape and petite blond can mate. In theaters Wednesday.

9:56 - You know what stunk? Syriana. Man, I wanted to like that one.

9:57 – Theismann just said “Dick Jauron is tickled” at Green Bay throwing an incompletion. Look at Jauron’s face. Does he look like a man who's been tickled? Ever?

10:00 – Even if I wanted to watch something else right now, I can't. For those of you not in metro Detroit, the local ABC affiliate is showing the Lions game so non-cable subscribers can watch it. That means Grey’s Anatomy is being pre-empted. No Izzie Stevens for me tonight.

10:02 – Even Chris Berman knows he's become a caricature. After throwing out his tired old “NFC Norris” division and “the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field," with his not-even-a-good-imitation-of-John-Facenda, he says, “There you go. We had to do it.” No, you didn't, Chris.

10:17Jason Hanson slipped as he was kicking off. Even Jason Hanson - otherwise known as The Lions offense - looks like a clumsy oaf out there. What a season we've had.

10:25 – Theismann balks at Jeff Garcia’s broken leg being described as "a non-weight-bearing bone. #$%# that, says Joe, “it hurts!” Thankfully, ESPN does not subject us to the infamously horrifying Theismann leg break from 1985.

Still, I'd love to see Maguire provide analysis. "Look at that! I tell you what you're seeing! Watch this! BAM! That thing just snapped like an old carrot! Look where the foot is and the rest of the leg goes! Do you know how hard that is?"

10:28 – Pistons 68, Clippers 55. The basketball game's moving much faster than the football game. ESPN should switch over.

10:33 – Favre says, "Maybe I’m just not smart enough to talk myself into retirement.” Does anyone else think "Brett Fave-er" is beginning to look like Anderson Cooper?

10:39 – Theismann echoes the thoughts of every single Detroit Lions fan: “I just don’t like what they’re doing on offense. They’re not giving a chance to anybody.”

Somewhere in East Lansing, Tom Izzo is holding Steve Mariucci. It's okay, Steve. Just hug it out.

10:50 – Whose dreads are more beautiful, R.W. McQuarters’s or Al Harris’s? You think anybody's ever approached them about starting a new Milli Vanilli? The NFL Network has to show something in March.

10:56 – A deep ball! That’s caught! By Roy Williams! For non-Lions fans, you have to understand how special this is. Other teams line up with five receivers. The Lions occasionally throw forward, instead of sideways. Of course, this is underthrown (and I don’t think it’s “by design,” Paul McGwire - Garcia's arm is just that weak) and hangs in the air like the ball is filled with helium.

11:00 – I don't watch all the NFL teams, but if any of them is worse in short yardage than Detroit, I want to see it. And it’s not just because of Grady Jackson’s gargantuan gut. If you put a quarter in front of the football before the snap, the Lions couldn't get to it.

11:01 – Maguire's gushing; “They’re gonna go for this! I love this! Why not?” Well, Paul, because they suck at short-yardage. They run right into the middle of the defense every time. They don't pitch the ball. No toss play. No bootleg for the quarterback whose greatest asset is supposedly his mobility.

And then Garcia has to call time-out. And does what he does best, which is throw a snit when something doesn’t go right. Because it ain't his fault, y'see. It's the other guys.

11:03 – A quarterback sneak???!!!! WORST FUCKING CALL EVER!! That's what they came up with during the time-out?? Are you fucking kidding me??

Grady Jackson might’ve eaten Garcia and his 185 lbs. on that play! Has anyone seen him since that play ended?

Mariucci called that, didn’t he? He and Izzo are high-fiving right now.

11:05 – The bright side (for me)? Gado could get a lot of yards on a potential 99-yard drive.

11:07 – Or fumble. Dammit.

11:12 – Okay, Gado threw the ball before he could get tackled, but it's not intentional grounding. The Packers were called for holding, yet it didn't happen in the end zone? Even though the ball was on the one-yard line, so the lineman had to be behind it? So there's no safety. Mike Carey's must have malice in his heart.

11:13 – "What a smart move by Mike Sherman”? Bitch, please. He threw the red flag for a challenge on a play that couldn't be challenged. He totally fucking lucked out.

11:15 – Maguire asks, "You wanna know why he’s the greatest?” Not enough hyperbole for the evening, Paul? Favre checked down to his tight end on the play. Shit, Garcia does that every series.

11:22 – Roy Williams drops a pass thrown right to his chest. If he catches it, he probably scores a touchdown. How about some concentration, asshole? If Roy had "the mentor" he whines about needing, would he know he should catch a ball thrown right to him? Would a veteran teach him that?

11:24 – Maguire says, “There’s only one guy I wouldn’t want to give the ball back to with two minutes left, and that’s Favre.”

Really? Gee, Paul, I’d take Peyton Manning. Or Tom Brady. Has he been watching Favre play in this game?

11:28 – Theismann asks if the Lions will play for overtime or try to throw down the field for the win. Maguire says they'll throw the ball and go for the win. He clearly hasn’t watched this team much this season. Or noticed that the Lions just let 40 seconds run off the clock when they could’ve called time-out to give the offense more time.

11:34Shawn Bryson runs out of bounds. Not only is he short of the first down, but that stops the clock, so Green Bay can get the ball back. Does he realize what point of the game it is?? How does everyone turn stupid when they put that silver helmet on?

11:35 – ESPN reminds us of one of the all-time worst moments in Lions history: 1993 playoffs, Favre throws 40 yards (really more like 60 or 70 yards) to a wide-open Sterling Sharpe in the end zone. 12 years later, I still don't know how Sharpe got that open.

11:38 – Interception by Dre' Bly! Don’t lateral it, don’t lateral it.

He pitched the ball back. Look, I know Bly’s trying to be a playmaker, but I’m not sure anyone makes dumber decisions under that pretense. He laterals the ball to defensive lineman whose hands are all taped up. He runs the ball out of the end zone when surrounded, rather than settle for a touchback. He costs his team as much as he helps it.

11:39 – We're going to overtime and... the referee has no coin. Or lost it. Seriously.

You know the refs didn’t want overtime. Weren’t even planning for it. They have cars running outside Lambeau Field.

11:45 – And here is the Mind-Numbingly Stupid Play of the Game: Shaun Rogers throws Gado down after he's at least three steps out of bounds. A 15-yard penalty when Green Bay just needs to kick a field goal. Rogers must just want to go home. Totally moronic.

11:47 – Favre hits Robert Ferguson for 17 yards. First down, and the Packers are in field goal range. Game over. Why did it take until midnight to get to the inevitable?

11:49 – Maguire says Green Bay should kick it on third down. So you get another down if it goes wrong! Any time an announcer says this, he acts like he’s the first one to think of it.

11:51 – Does calling a time-out to "ice" the kicker ever work? This is one of the most misguided strategies in sports.

Ten years ago, when I played Rec League basketball, I had two free throws at the end of the game. We had a one-point lead, and the other team called time-out. At our bench, my teammates joked that I hadn't shot a free throw all season. They asked if I even knew how to shoot a free throw. That totally relaxed me. And I made them both.

11:52 – And to absolutely no one's surprise, Ryan Longwell's field goal is good. Packers win, 16-13. It was like watching a three-hour rerun.

And if you made it through this live slog blog, thank you for suffering through another Groundhog Day with me, through three hours of being a Detroit Lions fan. The rest of you should consider yourself lucky. I envy you.

4 Comments:

  • At December 12, 2005 10:46 AM, Anonymous benny said…

    Being a football junkie, I watched the game too. Wow was it brutal. Can't believe the refs blew the safety call after there was holding in the endzone and an intentional forward lateral to try and get the ball out of the endzone. I guess when you're as bad as the Lions nothing goes your day.

    Between the two bad teams and the terrible ESPN annoucers, I wanted those three hours of my life back.

     
  • At December 12, 2005 1:52 PM, Blogger the sports dude said…

    I watched the game until I realized the Pistons had started, after which I switched channels and never looked back. It appears as though I missed little as the Lions continue to show the world they are the laughing stock of the NFL. Maybe even all the major sports (NBA, MLB, NFL) as well! Well the only light at the end of the tunnel is there are only three weeks left.

     
  • At December 12, 2005 8:14 PM, Anonymous Evan said…

    Is it disturbing to anyone else that the Lions hit a long pass play and still barely cracked 100 yards passing? And that the Lions wouldn't have even had a chance at half of those 13 points without the running backs playing as well as they did for much of the game?

    Tickle Dick still apparently thinks Jeff Garcia is The Man.

    Kevin Jones played reasonably well until getting hurt. Roy Williams played well. Charles Rogers looked energized at least. If only someone whose arm didn't resemble wet fettucini were throwing the ball...

     
  • At December 15, 2005 5:03 PM, Blogger Greg Eno said…

    Ian:

    That was brilliant! I laughed my ass off, then I laughed it off again.

    Greg

     

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